(flash) pasteurized

i'm a law slave and i've gone country. i know, it's all so overwhelming. i'll explain. (oh, and i have pictures, too, because i know you all all voyeurs)

2011-03-02T23:17:00.001-06:00

things that changed since we last spoke:

i got a macbook pro. in case you aren't aware, this automatically means i'm cool. like really cool. and really popular. that's what steve job told me when he welcomed me to the super secret society of cool. it's apparently a "no-pcs-allowed" kind of club. discriminatory, i know. oh, and her name is "lola." "her" being being new macbook. lola just sounded sassy and fierce. just go with it.

i got a new car. my mom got a new car, so that means i did, too. (thanks, mom. and of course, dad, who pays for it all.) sweet gig. good thing i'm in love with the car because it looks like i'll be driving the thing until the wheels fall off. that'll probably be around the time i pay off my law school debt. (i hope and pray.) oh, and i named her (the car), too. snowball. her name is snowball. well, that's her nickname.

i was really blessed to get an awesome legal internship for the summer. sure, i'll be working for free and watching my bank account dwindle even further, but hey, it's a great position, and i'm stoked i got it.

i've gone country. well, not really, but i go out dancing -- two-stepping, to be precise -- at least once a week now. and i've been wearing cowgirl boots. for those of you who aren't from texas, particularly houston, houston has its HLSR (houston livestock show and rodeo) at this time every year. and lemme tell you, it's AH.MAZING. so freaking fun. starts off with BBQs and cook-offs, then has concerts every night for two weeks straight. oh yeah, and there are lots of animals, and barrel races, and bull riding, and bronco riding, and a calf scramble when a hundred calves are set loose and these little country kids all run out into the arena and try to catch them. (wow, explaining that makes me sound real texan.) anyways, it's amazing and i love it and around these parts it's like christmas. honestly, i just like dancing and wearing the boots and cute dresses.

{"don't stop believing"}

i'm not as crazy as i was last semester. last semester, i don't know how i wasn't locked up. seriously. first semester of law school made me crazy. like britney crazy. i even cut three inches off my own hair one night at 3am while i was studying for a final. see? britney crazy. anyways, now i'm better; by that i mean, i'm managing things better and the vast abyss of law school that was once so unknown and uncharted territory isn't quite so scary anymore. in fact, i'm actually semi-normal now and my friends don't think i'm dead.

i will probably be crazy again in about a month. probably less. finals start in two months. studying for finals starts like yesterday. and i have a appellate brief due in a month as well. law school finals are like college finals on HGH, steroids, and the machine that the dad used in that movie, "honey, i blew up the kids" all multiplied by a million. and then multiplied by a million again.

i still read a lot of your blogs, i just don't comment because i'm normally reading them on my phone and i guess i have fat fingers or something, but it's kind of hard to type out comments on my iphone. i miss you all, too. thanks for sticking around even when i'm lamesauce.

hearts.

i won't say 'happy new year' since i'm 11 days late, so hello there

2011-01-11T17:20:00.000-06:00

good news is: i'm still alive. first semester of law school didn't kill me - though it tried its hardest.

bad news is: round two starts back tomorrow. i've heard from thousands and thousands of people that "it gets better." well, you thousands and thousands of people, you better be right or i'm coming after each and every one of you.

i had an amazing month off of rest and relaxation with family and friends who had listed me as a missing person. here's what i did in bullet points (because let's be honest, no one wants to read):

- took pictures with santa with my siblings and santa said we were the oldest three siblings who had ever come to take their picture with him. i told him he could thank our mother.

- i read more non-law school books than i can count. ahhh, how i missed reading for enjoyment. scarpetta, by patricia cornwell, the lincoln lawyer by michael connelly, and the mockingjay by suzanne collins were probably my top three that i read.

- i watched every episode of law and order ever made as well as every episode of HGTV's house hunters. i can now predict with 100% accuracy who the killer is or what house the people will choose. not sure what that says about me. i think i'm psychic.

- i had an amazing time getting to spend time and going out with my friends. they surprisingly still loved me despite my lack of existing in the real world.

- this was one of the first year's my family didn't travel over the holidays and it was so great being home and having family come to us.

- i've recently started zumba where i'm learning to shake what my momma gave me and sculpt rock hard abs. at least, that's what my gay instructor tells me. and i believe him because i've seen him shake what his momma gave him and he has rock hard abs.

i've missed the blogging world and check in on a lot of you now and then to see what's going on in everyone's lives. hugs and kisses.

if these people made it through law school, so can i. oh, and i'm getting old. like really old.

2010-11-10T15:45:00.002-06:00

the following people actually went to law school and subsequently passed the bar. scary, i know.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shi**ing me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

i died laughing reading this and i died laughing posting it. in other good news, i am stressed beyond anything i ever thought possible. and i'm pretty sure law school is making me irrational and crazy. and forgetful. well, i was crazy before, now i'm CUHRAZZZY. i keep putting the orange juice back in the cabinet where my glasses go. and the other day i microwaved my car keys instead of my green tea. oh, and i still haven't shaved my legs. i think my body feels sorry for me because my leg hair hasn't even grown back yet since i got them waxed.

also, i will be a quarter of a century come monday, the 15th. (un)fortunately, my very happy birthday comes smack dab in the middle of writing my final legal memorandum as well as studying for finals. yuck. hugs and kisses, lovers.

law school = hairy legs, lots of sugar, and charlie is back

2010-10-28T20:54:00.000-05:00

first year of law school forces you to neglect a variety of things. things you once held sacred and dear are taken over by the blob that is law school.

to give you an idea of how i'm doing (although i'm sure 97% of you don't care, i'm just narcissistic and am going to pretend that you do), i'm going to tell you a little bit about myself these days:

- i've stopped shaving my legs. it takes time and i'm lazy. so my vietnamese bff, ann, at my nail salon waxes them while i sit there and read contracts. she talks the entire time, too. as if her talking is going to distract me from ripping hair from my legs.

- my diet consists solely of sugar cookies and sweet potatoes. please don't be like my doctor and judge. she's convinced i'm going to turn myself into a diabetic before too long. i like sugar and i like sweet. what can i say.

- lest you have forgotten about charlie, he's baaaaaaaaaack!!! i see him almost nightly now, and he has been in a MOOD lately. for those of you who have forgotten charlie, or who didn't have the great pleasure of reading about charlie, here he is in all his pride and glory:

i've told him if he hasn't stopped scaring the bejeebies out of me, i'm going to turn him into one of these:

love and miss you all like a barnacle loves being on a humpback whale.

hugs and kisses.

things i do instead of studying: if facebook existed long ago...

2010-09-20T19:38:00.000-05:00

i'm a hairless cow. or that's what google told me.

2010-08-28T22:33:00.000-05:00

hokay, so here's the deal. i just finished week deux of law school (law school is also know as - i'm going to not only take all of your money, but i am going to deprive you of any and all sleep, make you carry 4.36 million pound case books, stand up in class and recite one of the 7.83 million cases i assigned you the night before all while making you develop a stomach ulcer and hair loss due to stress).

i'm essentially going to school six days a week, thanks to these "highly recommended/basically mandatory" saturday seminars. let's just say i've gone from having a very limited life to a non-existent life. my limited human interaction involves teaching my 11th grade girls sunday school class sunday mornings. (p.s. do any of y'all have 16-17 year old girls or know any 16-17 year old girls? they are hysterical. and chatty. like even more chatty than i get when i ramble on to you guys in my post. i've been blessed with a great group of about ten girls this school year, so i'm excited to see how the year goes.)

i guess i can't say it's all bad, though. i'm really, really loving the actual content of what i'm learning and how to actually apply the law. my passion for the law and and understanding it has only increased, so thank sweet Jesus i'm good at identifying my own interests. you'd be shocked to know, quite a few people start law school and quit after the first week or semester saying, "this crap wasn't what i signed up for." it's intense, suffice it to say.

that being said, i miss you all like cuhrazy. i'll try to make the rounds when i can and i hope everyone is doing well.

let me leave you with this - when i typed in the word "stress" in google images, this is what i came up with. weird. i think google is trying to tell me something, and i'd be stupid not to listen since google and wikipedia are pretty much geniuses and right all the time.

i feel google may be predicting what i'm going to look like by the end of the year - a cow with no hair.

paying $100,000 to read, write, and not sleep. excellent choice.

2010-08-14T18:40:00.003-05:00

at the request of hotpantsTM, i'm interrupting my regularly scheduled case briefing and reading to bring you this blog post. brief as it may be, it's still a post (with pictures, mind you) nonetheless.*

so here's the deal: my life is cuh-razy and i am bizzzay (that's crazy and busy, just in case you had trouble discerning my dirty street lingo). let me break it down like this - i recently posted this on surferwoman's facebook wall:

yes, i already know - there is a disgusting typo in there. the word "about" is supposed to be "AMOUNT" as in "amount of reading." gahhh, i'm a failure.

so that's it in a grammatically incorrect facebook post - i've been ridic busy reading my life away. kind of weird that i'm paying over $100,000 to read for hours on end (somehow have to remember and apply, more importantly, all of it).

and just because i know how much all of you freaky voyeurs like pictures, here's my desk - in shambles and unorganized omg:

and this is what bailey does while i study:

see, so there you have it, i'm a busy busy bee! a busy bee who misses and loves all of you and will definitely make the rounds to read your blogs and catch up in y'all's lives in my "spare" time!

in other news, i start teaching 11th grade girls sunday school tomorrow which i'm super stoked about! and quasi has an MMA fight tonight in vegas. i'm a littttle nervous to say the least. i'll let you know how it all goes down. i'm bummed i couldn't be there to watch and support him, but mandatory law school orientation kind of cramped my style.

*have you ever thought it's weird that "nonetheless" is all one word? i mean really, it's three separate words in one to build one mega run-on word. weird. or maybe not.

while my birthday is still four months away...

2010-07-29T16:24:00.000-05:00

...i already know what i want:

omg i'm freaking in love.

p.s. it's a hedgehog, not a porcupine.
and i've unofficially named him trevor. trevor the hedgehog.

changing - fearing not: out of egypt - into the promised land

2010-07-22T10:33:00.003-05:00

i need to share my heart today. it's raw, it's real, and it's unedited.

i wrote this note on facebook back in march 2007... now three years and three months later, i found myself writing out the same thoughts in my journal last night. they are seem to be so applicable and true to where i am at in life right now. funny how life is often cyclical like that.

change: 1. to make the form, nature, content, future course of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone; 2. to transform or convert

initially, i found 38 working definitions of the word change. i assume, though, that the first two are most applicable here, particularly the second.

many cringe at the word change, fearing it simply because, in most cases, we don't always know what that change might bring... we don't always want to deal with the repercussions and circumstances that will follow... we don't know if we're equipped to handle the new life that change will inevitably bring. or in some cases, we've grown comfortable in our lives and fear that change will severely jolt that sense of contentment and comfortable-ness.

while i don't necessarily shudder at the thought of change, i don't always embrace it with open arms simply because i'm not always ready for it... particularly the change that God is calling me to right now... He has been wrestling with my heart calling me back to Him... calling all of me, not just the pieces i've been giving Him. He wants more than the half-hearted prayers and half-hearted devotion and praise that i've been giving.

He's calling me to a complete and total transformation and conversion of my heart and mind... and to be honest, it's scary. complete and total trust. jumping in with both feet. leaving egypt and crossing the jordan river to the promised land. God doesn't want me to go back to egypt; and quite honestly, neither do i. but what is it about egypt i want? is it the predictability? is it the "comfort" of the "known" even if that reality wasn't good? or is it just the fact that the promised land is much to difficult for my mind to grasp and therefore scares the living you-know-what out of me?!

egypt: it's comfortable; day in and day out, we know it will always be the same, and for some strange reason, we find a twisted sense of comfort in that. it's because we're scared and we're living in fear rather than being patient and waiting on the Lord and fully trusting that He has an amazing will for our lives. i say i trust God with my mouth, but if i fully trusted Him i wouldn't still be wandering in the wilderness relying on myself to get me the heck out of here. it's because we do not fully grasp that Christ's sacrificial love has truly set us free. free from sin, free from shame and doubt, free from slavery.

my prayer is that God rids me of myself. my selfish wants and desires - and replaces them with things that only HE desires to HIS purpose and kingdom. it's a painful process; particularly when we're fighting it. the phrase "letting go and letting God" seems so easy and simple. but for me, it's quite possibly one of the hardest things for me to do. i feel like a hypocrite saying with my lips, "Lord, i trust you," yet my actions and fleshly feelings are looking back to egypt. i kind of feel like i'm sitting on the border of egypt and the promise land - one foot in each, waiting to take that first step. and i will; i know i will.

trust and complete obedience. i have grown fairly content with my half-hearted little life... i haven't been happy, but i haven't been sad either... i've just kind of existed doing nothing for the kingdom of God... doing nothing for my Lord who i profess to have given my life to... which now just seems to be that i have only been giving Him pieces of me. and i hate that. i hate it more than anything. God doesn't deserve my leftovers... He doesn't deserve the half-hearted worship i've been giving Him... so right now, He is calling me to change... calling me to a transformation of heart and soul and a committed spirit to Him. to no longer fear what i do not know or understand... to quit my sins of omission and dedicate my life to Him alone.

there is no fear in love. but perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. the one who fears is not made perfect in love. -1 john 4:18

i am neither fearless nor fearful. i am simply "fearing not" for He is my God.

the most important tidbit of news you will hear all week

2010-07-20T11:51:00.002-05:00

go read and watch this now.

and then come back and tell me what you're going to do about it.

you would know what this was if you went to the link i told you to go to. follow instructions.

fashion, facial hair, and frail "beauty"

2010-07-15T11:07:00.001-05:00

alright ladies (and the few select awesome men who read my shenanigans), we need to have a chat. a chat about fashion, facial hair (specifically facial hair on women), and what our culture views as beauty.

here's the thing, i realize that the human body is 100% covered in a fine, thin layer of hair. i get that. and most women either wax, thread, pluck, or bleach their eyebrows and lips. it's normal, it's natural, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. THIS, however, is a little different...

am i the only one who finds this both something disturbing and disgusting, not to mention itchy?

is she carrying a plate?

this has nothing to do with facial hair because i am less concerned about the woman (yes, that is a woman) walking down the center of the runway and more concerned about the chick in the red shorts on the left-hand side of the runway. she looks starving and very ill. maybe i'm missing the point of "fashion" and the "beauty" of looking like skeletor; but i am sickened that our society and fashion world often views bones and skin as beauty and fashionable. yes, i realize that many men and women are naturally very thin - God created us all different with a specific purpose in mind; but no human being is naturally bone thin.

what do you think?

and here's the mastermind behind it all - patrick mohr. mohr is known for his strange selection of models, often choosing homeless people off the streets to create his vision, for example.

there are two things i would say to this guy:

1. patrick, i get that you're an artist. or a fashion designer. or whatever. i get that your into androgyny. i get that you want to be unique and different and and push the envelope in order to create "art." to that i say, that's cool. your "art" most definitely isn't my thing, but to each their own. you probably don't like the fact that i love to shave my legs. we can agree to disagree and still live in harmony. i like that your living your dream.

2. while the facial hair is beyond disgusting and androgyny isn't really my thing because i love actually looking like a woman, what concerns me most is that 90% of your models look sick. like near death, frail, malnourished sick. like the kind of sick where they should be in a hospital getting treatment, not on a runway parading their skeleton around as something of beauty. just my two cents.

you can check it all out here.

remember when i was gone for so long? well, this is where i was: camp in photographic review.

2010-07-12T10:18:00.000-05:00

i had over 200 pictures from the week at camp, but i'll spare you and just put some of them. the week was absolutely amazing, and i'm already counting down the days when i get to go back!!

camp eagle on the nueces river in the texas hill country

"acquire the tire" = a sort of wrestle tog-of-war game that consists of mud, rocks, mayonnaise, syrup, chocolate sauce, powdered sugar, bbq sauce, pickle relish, baked beans, fruit loops, ranch dressing, and lots of battle wounds. it's way dirty and way disgusting.

(lil bro's on the left)

it took a few days for my campers to actually realize i was their adult sponsor. key word there being adult.

rec time with my clan! we dominated, if you can believe that. it may or may not have been because i threatened them that i would make them run during their free time if we lost.

that is the face of determination and victory at the annual 'saints and sinners' softball game. (a.k.a. sponsors vs. seniors) we killed them, by the way.

my clan: the village of capernaum, hole in the roof gang

yes, that is a tight rope tied between two trees. no, i was not very good. three steps was the best i could do.

little bro and me.

little brudder's last year at camp as a camper.

getting ready to do the BLOB!

senior celebration the last night.

the pictures don't really do the week justice. let's just say it was one of the most amazing weeks of my life and since then, my life has truly been different and i'm so grateful that i was able to go.

happy monday everyone! it's gonna be ridiculously busy from here on out for me. wrapping up a series of projects at work and interviewing candidates for my position.

remember me??

2010-07-07T11:06:00.000-05:00

my loverlies. you may or may not remember me. let's get re-aquainted, since i know some of you feel like orphan children (i'm talking to you, surferwoman and jessypants). i left for camp and have since been on sabbatical from blogging for a few weeks. it wasn't really planned, it kind of just happened.

i've been going through a lot of life changes recently, and quite honestly, i'm having trouble keeping up with them myself. in the past three weeks, i have grown and become strengthened in ways i never thought possible.

i'm not intentionally being vague, i'm just still feeling both overwhelmed and incredibly excited about the amazing things God has for me in my life. pretty much everything that could change in a person's life has changed, so i just need to get my bearings again.

just yesterday in fact, i told the CEO of my company that my last day of employment with them would be at the end of this month. i'll begin law school mid-august. i am hastily helping them find an amazing replacement. this next couple of weeks will probably prove to be a whirlwind, but i approach these changes with open arms. my faith has been renewed and strengthened and my course in life has been set.

thank you all for your sweet messages. i promise not to leave again without warning!!

x's and o's to you all.

off to camp for the next seven days...

2010-06-19T17:34:00.001-05:00

images via google and we heart it

i promise, i'll be back before you know it!!

FINALLY news you can use #21: the best thing that happens every four years - the WORLD CUP, yo

2010-06-17T09:36:00.003-05:00

because i'm getting ready to leave you all for SO long (a whole week!!! ::gasps fill the blogosphere::), i thought it was only fair for me to show you my love by providing you with some very important news you can use!

by now, you've probably forgotten what that even is, so let me remind you: some of you don't have time to or choose not to keep yourself in the know about important events. no need to fear, in each edition of news you can use! i supply you with only the very best weekly news. this news includes - but is not limited to - such important things as: world news, famies news, movie news, reality tv news, interesting and weird happenings news, things i happen to find important or freakishly cool news, and my news (aka - what's going on in my life news). i know. all really exciting stuff. so sit back, grab a grande skinny vanilla soy latte or a bottle of wine and know you are will be more informed after reading this.

please know that this week's edition is going to be a little different; really, the only news you can use! right now revolves around the world cup. and of course, the most gorgeous world cup players. i'll give a little background and some facts on the players and teams, though i'm sure hutch will be the only one who actually reads that. the rest of you will just be looking, jaw-dropped and the pictures. (and by the way, i'm half italian and half swiss; clearly, the italians take the cake on this whole contest.)

name: cristiano ronaldo

country: portugal

position: striker

cool facts: not only is he gorgeous, but he's an amazing player - he's the high paid footballer (soccer, for you americans) in the world. and he looks amazing in armani underwear. i'm sorry i can't say that is due to personal experience.

why we love him:not only is he gorgeous, but he's pretty amazing. i don't particularly like his dating choices, but that doesn't change the fact that i like looking at him.

name: diego forlan

country: uruguay

position: striker

name: freddie ljungberg

country: sweden

position: goalkeeper

why we love him: he's swedish. he models underwear. he's athletic. he has his own blog. yep, he's got everything on our boyfriend checklist. and if he tastes anything like swedish fish, then i'm sure he's delicious.

name: fabio cannavaro

country: italy

position: defense (center back)

cool facts: he's the captain of the italian national team and won the FIFA world player of the year back in the 2006 world cup.

why we love him: hellllllllo. he name is freaking FABIO. and look at him! do i really need to elaborate???? didn't think so.

name: carlos bocanegra

country: usa

position: defense (center back or left back)

why we love him: he's sort of kind of adorably cute.

name: yoann gourcuff

country: france

position: midfielder

why we love him: he's a bit of a newbie, but he's dang good.

have a good day.

you're welcome.

p.s. i recently joined a really sweet gym and signed up for some personal training sessions. i'm planning to do a lot of intense cardio kickboxing courses as well as some MMA (mixed martial arts) training techniques. my first class was last night and i can barely lift my arms today. i'm considering taking a page out of shandal's book and posting some before and after type pics. the thing is, i'm not sure how much my body is really going to change, at least in terms of weight. i'm not looking to lose any weight, i'm just looking to get ripped (haha!) and really toned. 'm not doing p90x or any type of video training, so i'm wondering if i posted before and after pics would just be lame. what do y'all think?? yea or nay??

and the giveaway winner is...

2010-06-17T09:06:00.000-05:00

blue violet from a nut in a nutshell

congrats, lady!!

*i used random.org to choose a winner

p.s. news you can use! coming later today :)

remember the photobooth pictures i mentioned yesterday? please don't judge.

2010-06-16T14:00:00.001-05:00

yesterday i mentioned that i went to my ZTA big sis' wedding in austin, tx this past weekend. it was a beautiful, outdoor (albeit a little warm and humid) and the bride was stunning. i also mentioned that as the party favor for the guests was a photobooth. let's just say quasi and i went to the photobooth more than once. i put them in order of when they were taken. you can tell where this was headed as the night wore on. please, no judging; only pointing and laughing:

pee ess - don't forget... today's the last day to enter my giveaway yo!!

i miss you. you miss me. it's time to catch up a little.

2010-06-15T11:28:00.001-05:00

gahhhh, to say i miss you all is a gross understatement. work and life in general have been a whirlwind. since work is ultra unexciting for those of you not interesting in politics and environmental sustainability, let's get personal.

- i had a huge work even last week that consumed my life for a good solid 72 hours. the event was a great success, so it paid off. getting a mani-pedi and massage afterward was nice, too.

- i spent the weekend in austin (my fave city in texas) at a sorority sister's wedding. she got married at this awesome venue that specializes in serving only organic food. totally up my alley. it was great getting to see and catch up with old sorority sisters and friends. i forgot my camera (something i nevvvvver do), but fortunately they had a photobooth which quasi and i had tons of fun in. i'll try to scan the photobooth pics and post them soon.

ZTA - only the best wear a crown!

clearly, i missed the "solid-colored dress" memo.

- i'm headed to the lake on friday for a company "team retreat." should be interesting...

- then on sunday, i leave for church camp for... get ready for it... A WHOLE WEEK. i'm going as a camp sponsor for a whole week in the hill-country-middle-of-nowhere-texas-with-no-access-to-cell-phone-service-or-internet for a sold week. crazy, i know.

** don't forget - CSN stores giveaway ends tomorrow!! **

don't ever say i didn't do anything for you. giveaway time, my loverlies. CSN stores $40 gift card

2010-06-09T08:54:00.004-05:00

i was recently laying on one of my platform beds checking emails when i received a message from CSN stores asking if i'd be interested in either doing a review of one of their products or a giveaway on my blog for my readers. duh, i am always thinking of you guys, so i went with the second option.

for those of you who don't know or who are not familiar with amazingness that is CSN stores, i highly recommend you to get familiar with these stores.

seriously, have you ever checked out any of their websites?? (CSN stores, all modern, cookware, or luxe by CSN stores) i'm not kidding you - they have everything you can think of. their website is seriously your one-stop shop kinda place. wanting something for yourself? got it. your mother-in-law? done. your house, your kid, your dog, your bird, your tarantula, your backyard, your boss, your family member who is impossible to shop for?? i promise they have stuff for all of them, too. don't believe me? check it out for yourself:

need some new throw pillows because your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/dog/bird/cat/child thinks it's okay to sleep on and/or slobber all over decorative throw pillows. you'll find what you need here.

bird need a mansion? duh, every bird needs a mansion. get it here.

your mother-in-law thinks you're a bad cook and you want to show her that although you may be a bad cook, you do have awesome taste in bake ware. find it here.

ladies, got a hot date and you need a new pair of fierce heels? go here.

see something you like up there? well, lucky for one of you, CSN stores if offering one of (flash)'s readers a $40 gift card to get whatever your little heart desires!

all you have to do is follow tha rules:

entry 1. you must be a follower of my blog in order to win. following is easy. leave a comment telling me you're a follower and be sure and check out one of CSN stores' websites (CSN stores, all modern, cookware, or luxe by CSN stores) and tell me what you'd get if you won. (mandatory entry)

for extra entries:

entry 2. follow me on twitter (1 extra entry)

entry 3. tweet about this giveaway and be sure to include @flashpasteurize and link to this post in your tweet (1 extra entry)

entry 4-5. grab my button and put it on your sidebar (2 extra entries)

entry 6-7. blog about this giveaway and link back to this post (2 extra entries)

you've got up to 7 ways you can be entered! giveaway ends next wednesday, june 16th and a random winner will be chosen and announced the following day.

little brother graduates from high school. it's a really big deal.

2010-06-07T11:51:00.007-05:00

this weekend was a whirlwind of graduation activities for my little brother. i seriously can't believe in less than two months he will be moving away from home and off to college. he may be bigger than me and playing college football next year, but he'll always be my little brother.

dinner celebration the evening before graduation.

my entire family.

congrats, little bro!! i'm so proud of you!!

with summertime comes animals and bugs that suck my blood. and no, i am not talking about the cullens or salvatore brothers.

2010-06-01T14:08:00.001-05:00

the little critters and animals in and around my neighborhood are starting to get to me. seriously, i know how the actors in avatar must have felt because i'm pretty sure i live in pandora. in the forest. with lots of scary, teeth-baring animals that like to come out and play at night.

in addition to small rodents, i am also seriously hating things that crawl and/or fly. with summertime (i.e. 100-plus degree temperatures and 110% humidity) now upon us, texas-sized, bloodsucking mosquitoes are out in full force. i know you guys live all over the country and globe, and you too have your fair share of indigenous creepy crawlies, but i guarantee you, the mosquitoes i have recently seen flying around my home (and sometimes even into.my.freaking.house.) are seriously HUGE. like the size of small birds.

and i feel like every time i go into or out of my house, at least one mosquito flies in and i can't find the little bloodsucker. so when i wake up in the morning, i've been waking up with a new bite!! i can't use raid or bug spray because it sends me into a coughing/asthma/throat attack, so instead think i may need to invest in a mosquito net to ward off that one or two pesky needle-flying creature.

here's the thing, i HATE mosquitoes. like really really hate them. so i'm going to put a sign over my front door that goes something like this:

that'll keep 'em away, i just know it. as for the little rodents and critters, i'll come up with something and get back to you.

it's a huge holiday today and you don't even know it...

2010-05-28T13:11:00.000-05:00

happy national hamburger day!! how will you celebrate??

where i'll be the next five days...

2010-05-21T11:02:00.002-05:00

okay, i know. i've been the world's worst blogger. (flash) pasteurized has been neglected for the better half of the week and it's all because work has been an absolute nightmare. i've been going 90mph all week long (both figuratively and literally on the highway everyday).

my little sister is graduating from 5th grade today!! she's so excited. being a middle schooler next year is a big freaking deal. not sure if you guys were aware. then wayyy later tonight (like at 11:00 p.m. - way past my bedtime), i'm speaking to a group of 200 junior high kids at my church. middle schoolers are a tough crowd, so i'm actually kinda nervous.

anyways, i needed a mini-getaway vacay before i lost my mind entirely. quasi kindly obliged, of course. we leave on sunday after church! i'm going to spend lots of time sleeping, shopping, eating, laying out by the pool, and probably checking work emails. i promise to come back with some decent pics!!

meet me for brunch at saks??

2010-05-18T08:54:00.001-05:00

clever title, huh?? that's right friends, i'm guesting at brunch at saks today so meet me over there. you get to see me wielding a drill. go and you'll see what i mean.

an open letter to the elementary school crossing guard who is out to get me EVERY.SINGLE.MORNING.

2010-05-17T12:02:00.001-05:00

dear miss/ms./mrs. (though i'm 99.9999% sure you are a "miss") elementary school crossing guard who is out to get me EVERY SINGLE MORNING:

here's the deal. i'm going to cut to the chase. you are out to get me and i know it AND i don't like it.

EVERY SINGLE MORNING i drive into my parents' neighborhood to drop my fur baby off at her mimi's. i know you know this because you see me drive into the neighborhood EVERY SINGLE MORNING with a bat-eared fur nugget hanging out of my back window; and then you see me exit the neighborhood sans bat-eared nugget.

once you see my car coming you immediately stop traffic. and by "traffic," i really just mean you stand right in front of MY car shaking the stop sign and a flash light at me. (not to change the subject, but can i ask what's the deal with the flashlight?? it is daylight outside, you know.) you proceed to mean mug me for the next 20-30 seconds. i look around and, what do you know!? there are NO children waiting to cross the street. so why do you insist on making me stop and wait for 5 minutes?? the only explanation i can come up with is that you are out to get me. so we sit there staring at each other waiting for children to come and cross the street.

i realize holding up a fake stop sign and wearing a bright orange reflector vest is a big freaking deal. i get that. you take your job seriously. i take my job seriously, too. too bad my job doesn't involve a stop sign or a reflector vest. i'll have to talk to my clients about that. please don't think i'm trivializing your job, because i'm not. i take children's safety very seriously, and i'm glad to see that you obviously do, too.

i promise i'm not going to run any kids over. or their parents or their dogs who dart out in the middle of the street. (please tell the parents to put "fido" on a dang leash, by the way.)

anyways, point is, you are my entrance into the neighborhood and you are also my exit out of it, so can we please just be friends? no? okay, fine. then at the very least for the love of Jesus, mary, joseph, and all the twelve disciples, can you puhh-lease stop weilding that stop sign out in front of my car like a damn sword. you make me 10 minutes late to work nine out of ten mornings and i know you do it because you hate me.

i promise i will not run you over, but if this keeps up, we're going to have serious problems, woman.

love, reflector vests, and flashlights,
meredith.

giveaway. i want to win. don't enter.

2010-05-16T16:54:00.000-05:00

so THE stephanie (kind of like THE ga) at live.laugh.love. is having a le creuset giveaway. you all know how much i love to bake (without burning off my eyelashes, though), so i'm sure you all can appreciate how much i realllllly want to win.

and you thought your family photos were bad...

2010-05-14T11:04:00.000-05:00

TGIF, for reals, yo. i swear this past week has felt like i worked for a month straight. and to make matters worse, i burnt off part of my eyelashes (which are already growing back nicely, thank you very much) and was bitten by what has to be a monstrously huge spider because my whole left hand is swollen and red and hurts.

in honor of the weekend, we all need a good laugh. these somewhat unorthodox family portraits were too funny not to share. i wish i had time to dig around at my parents' house, because i'm pretty sure we have a ridiculous christmas photo somewhere. if you have an insane family photo, send it to me and i'll post it here.

unless otherwise noted, all photos were found here.

news you can use #20: it IS possible to have your eyelashes burned off by a flaming hot oven; VS models forced me to buy five swimsuits; and the unveiling of quasi

2010-05-13T13:50:00.001-05:00

today's news you can use! is going to be a bit different. you can thank my insane schedule for that one. my day involves back to back to back to back meetings, so i'm actually posting this from my phone. (whoever doubts my love for you should be feeling ashamed right about now!) anyways, there are some ~~important~~ unimportant things i feel like you should know:

1. it IS possible to have your eyelashes burned off by sticking your head in a 450 degree oven. i did it last night, and yes i am serious.

so you know how i like to bake, right? seeing as though i'm allergic to 90% of packaged goods, i experiment with various recipes to make something yummy and delicious and full of sugar. well last night, i decided to make some "cinnamon-oatmeal-whole-grain-banana-muffins." (they are delish, p.s.) well, this being an experiment, i continually checked on them. (i treat muffin making very seriously.)

(here i am baking in my kitchen.)

apparently, i must have stuck my head or face too far in because this great rush of flaming hot heat seared my face, burning off half the length of my eyelashes. i don't have a picture because i didn't take one. i was too busy crying. i three-way called my mom and quasi to determine if 911 would accept "burned eyelashes" as a legitimate emergency. they both said "NO."

suffice if to say, my left eyelashes are now shorter than my right eyelashes by a considerable amount. fortunately, i have decently long ones to begin with.

2.quasi and i are planning a quick getaway weekend soon, so i order not one, not two, but five swimsuits from victoria's secret. i'm not even kidding you, those VS swimsuit models are always trying to convince me that if i buy their swimsuits, i, too, will look like them while wearing them. i'm not sure if they take into account the 6 muffins i ate for breakfast or the 4 fajitas i had at lunch.

(i got all five of these swimsuits.)

3. the post about my DIY project, a panic attack, and the unveiling of quasi's identity is coming very very soon. just not over here. it's being debuted somewhere else. (i'll give you a hint - it's going to be posted next tuesday a.m. so get stoked and mark your calendars accordingly.)

oh, how i've missed you. and i want a bra that grows rice.

2010-05-12T12:14:00.000-05:00

blog lovies! gosh, i have missed you all so much. this has been the most insane week for me, mainly all work related but some personal stuff thrown in. last night i was asked to speak at a women's ministry event at my church and give my testimony. it was one of the hardest, yet most freeing experiences of my life. God really blessed that event last night in a big way and it was an incredibly special night for my mom and i. one of my best friends, tara (thank you so much for coming, tara! i love you!), and of course, quasi, came. quasi has to come up with an excuse to buy me a present for everything, so he got me a new digital camera. it's the samsung tl220, in case you're wondering. i'll tell you how much i love it when i get to using it more.

i promise to be back in the game soon. in the meantime, here's something that i really, really want: a rice-growing bra. ( <--- click on the hyperlink.)

and i'll also be back with a story involving a DIY nightmare, a panic attack, and pictures of quasi. get excited.

news you can use #19: acrophobia, bulls in texas, spongebob apparently can save your life, and a giveaway

2010-05-06T09:15:00.003-05:00

have you missed news you can use! ?? don't answer that. or do answer that and just lie to me and say you have because i'm pretty sure it's missed you guys.

man conquers fear of heights by living on roof. a vermont businessman hoping to raise awareness about child abuse spent four days living on the roof of his business. he ended up raising about $4,000. not too shabby. though, i must say - i'm pretty darn acrophobic and camping out on the roof of something sounds fun to me. and if his office building was only a few stories high, i'm not impressed. what would have been more impressive is if he would have slept face down on this:

this isn't my cup of tea.

---

arlington, tx police shoot bull on loose on interstate. for you non-texans out there, arlington is a suburb city outside of dallas. (surely you've heard of the dallas cowboys??) the bull was apparently jumping back and forth from the eastbound to the westbound lanes. why is this so stereotypically texas??

"home, home on the range, where the deer and the antelope play..."

---

preteen: "spongebob taught me how to save a life." okay, so i don't know whether to be scared for the future of our youth, or totally impressed with spongebob in all his squarepants glory. according to the article, "miriam and her best friend, allyson, were in music class when allyson began choking on her gum. allyson turned red and started kicking her legs. miriam says she remembered an episode from the nickelodeon animated series in which squidward gets a clarinet lodged in his throat and spongebob does the heimlich maneuver. she tried it on allyson. the gum flew out, and allyson caught her breath." weird? cool? quasi likes spongebob, so i hope he saw this episode.

he always looks a little strung out to me, no?

---

giveaway. i will probably kick myself for doing this, but a suburban housewife-in-training is having an amazing diamond earring giveaway, compliments of kohl's. yep, the same kohl's that now has LC's clothing line. even if you don't like diamonds (ha!), head over to H.I.T.'s blog and congratulate her on her precious new baby girl!

these are really ugly. you don't want them. don't enter. plus, you know i really deserve them.

---

good things come in threes

2010-05-05T09:54:00.001-05:00

3 names i go by

1. mer

2. mer bear

3. moody

---

3 jobs i have had

1. lobbyist

2. public policy research fellow

3. special needs sunday school teacher
---

3 places i have lived

1. houston, tx
2. dallas, tx
3. austin, tx

---

3 tv shows i watch

1. house (i'm borderline obsessed with hugh laurie)

2. parenthood (my new fave)
3. law and order (love my christopher meloni)

---

3 places i would like to visit

1. greece
2. fiji

3. cali or cape cod to visit my beloved trifecta

---

3 fave retro tv shows

1. dawson's creek (i was in 8th grade, so this counts as retro)

2. full house

3. doogie howser (i used to want to be a doctor, so my nickname was "doogie" when i was little)
---

3 fave dishes (these are more like favorite foods)

1. cinnamon toast
2. sweet potato fries
3. black bean and chicken burrito on a spinach tortilla
---

3 things i am looking forward to

1. my mom being "healthy" again
2. summer time!
3. (something that is super secret and i can't tell you)*

*update: you know i'll tell you when the time is right. or uhh, when it happens. :)

my (fur) daughter has anger management issues. she may or may not get them from her mother.

2010-05-04T09:54:00.001-05:00

with all the focus being on my mom, poor bailey's been neglected. last night, quasi and i took her out to dinner with us on the patio of a restaurant. because she was (surprisingly) so well-behaved, we decided to take her shopping to one of her favorite stores in the world - petsmart. we let her peruse the stuffed animal and chew toy aisle, and she sank her little sharp teeth into her new favorite toy... meet mr. monkey:

please excuse her leash. she has this thing with keeping it on. i guess she likes to be prepared to leave at a moments notice. anyways, here she is being all (unsuspectingly) sweet and nice with her new mr. monkey. she was loving on him, cuddling with him, licking him, and even giving him sweet little kisses. please notice her paw on mr. monkey's chest. he is her man, and she doesn't like to share.

fast forward to 10 minutes later. mr. monkey is now missing his nose. bailey has apparently determined that mr. monkey no longer has a need to use his olfactory senses. i think she thinks she was doing him a favor. plus, i'm sure she smells good enough for the two of them.

uh, oh. not only does mr. monkey not need to smell, he apparently doesn't need his left arm either. many of you may remember me discussing bailey's issues with men here - poor mr. mouse met such an early demise. seems like it was only fair for mr. monkey to follow suit. i'm beginning to think that bailey is part black widow spider - female black widows kill their males after mating with them. or maybe my baby girl just has an affinity for men full of stuffing.

update on my mom: thank you so very much for all of your words of comfort, thoughts, and prayers. you all have been such a comfort to me. my mom is doing slightly better than she was yesterday, which is a huge plus in my book. her asthma and allergist doctors *think* she was reacting to the steroid treatments they had her on, so she's switching. she's at home, but must be taken to see her asthma and allergist once a day and call in every couple of hours. they also gave her two new medications: one for the angioedema (swelling) in her tongue and throat and one for her constant itching and hives. i think she's taking 12 different meds at this point - all with the primary function to keep her breathing and keep her airways open! they've got to constantly monitor her to make sure she doesn't have any further adverse reactions to all the medications. we're taking things day by day right now, so please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

i hope to be back later with a new edition of take me back tuesday (TMBT)!!

my momma

2010-05-03T11:05:00.003-05:00

my momma and me a few years ago after my last collegiate soccer game

i hope everyone had a great weekend. my mom is still felling really, really awful and she is having allergic reactions to the oral steroids the doctors have her on so her body is covered in hives and her throat and tongue are still swollen. she's having trouble eating because her body is so out of whack, she's even reacting to her "safe" foods. asthma and allergies go hand in hand, so now her asthma is giving her a lot of problems. houston's air quality doesn't exactly help, so she has been looking to move either near national jewish hospital in denver or johns hopkins. she is a patient at both hospitals which are stellar in the fields of asthma and allergies. she's feeling really down and frustrated.

it's killing me to see her go through this, and i feel completely and utterly helpless. please, please continue to pray for her.

while i have pretty severe food allergies, mine are nothing compared to my mom's. she is essentially allergic to everything she eats, so she eats very small amounts throughout the day and is on a strict regiment of strong antihistamine medications. living with severe food allergies and having had multiple anaphylactic reactions is terrifying to say the least, yet my mother is still the strongest, most positive, upbeat person i know.

some people have asked me what exactly she is allergic to, and simply put: everything. i know it doesn't make sense, but essentially we monitor her diet with the "parts per million" ppm. as she's gotten older, we've had to decrease her threshold to "parts per trillion" or ppt. she's primarily allergic to sulfites, which are preservatives found in everything and can also be naturally occurring. she obviously has to eat in order to sustain life, but she has to do so in small amounts, so as not to trigger a reaction - it depends on the quantity of ppms or ppts in the food she's eating. it's all complicated and i won't bore you with the details, but suffice it to say, it's trial and error sometimes, unfortunately.

i'm kind of frazzled right now, so the old woman kicking ass story with her cane will have to wait. thanks for sticking around even while i have nothing to entertain you with. i'll try to be back later today.

oh, and while we were in the hospital she made me promise to tell my blog bfffffs two things. she was a liiiiittle out of it on all the drugs and oxygen she was receiving and made me promise:

(1) i would post a pic of her looking all ET-like:

(2) she is convinced that hospital bed sheets smell like poop and she does NOT appreciate poopie sheets. she just wanted you all to know.

thank you, i love you all, and i will beat you with my cane

2010-04-30T09:57:00.001-05:00

i cannot thank you all enough for your prayers, thoughts, love, and support. anaphylactic reactions and severe asthma are unfortunately a daily reality for my family. it's beyond terrifying, so your prayers and words of comfort mean so much to me. the one good thing that can come out of my mom's health situation are medical journal articles and studies bringing about awareness. her case is such a rarity (only one other person in the u.s. has food allergies as severe as hers), making sure it is documented and studied is important. my mom and i were released from the hospital late last night with lots of breathing machines and steroids, and now she's home and doing well. my dad also came home from europe last night, so he was able to stay home from work today and be with her. that means i'm back in the office. ugh.

i seriously have so much blogging material from our hospital slumber party that i'll have to share with you later. (i've got a crapton of work to catch up on. i was working from the hospital on my phone and laptop as much as i could.) just to give you a little preview of stories to come: 85 year old woman with a walker begins wielding it as a weapon on the male nurses. i promise you, it's funny stuff.

and just to share a little family tidbit with you all: as of this past sunday, my little brother is officially legal and he's all grown up! it's still so weird to me that in a few short months he'll be leaving for college. my family and i live in the same city and are extremely close; his leaving will especially affect our 11 year old sister who calls her big brother her "best friend." here's one of the pics (we are doing some serious squinting in the sun) we took at the sunday lunch celebration after church (sans pops who was still in europe thanks to the volcano spewing ash all over the place):

my momma with her three babies

hospital slumber parties

2010-04-29T08:56:00.002-05:00

hey friends, i'm blogging on my iPad from my mom's hospital room. she was admitted yesterday after having an anaphylactic allergic reaction. looks like we'll be having a couple more slumber parties here because the swelling in her throat and tongue isn't going down as quickly as the doctors would like. my dad is still in europe, so i'm staying here at the hospital with my mom and making sure my siblings are taken care of. please keep my mom and i in your prayers. i would love and totally appreciate lots of prayers! the steroids are keeping my mom wired, so i have yet to sleep! we've stayed up watching movies and playing games on the iPad. so i guess it was money well spent!

human men vs. animal kingdom men

2010-04-28T10:19:00.001-05:00

i've always been attracted to large, "manly" men... okay, that sounded weird, what i mean is i've always been attracted to tall, built men who are manly-like and fulfill most of their gender stereotype roles (i.e. they're big, brave, strong, protective, have hair on their arms and legs, and aren't afraid to get dirty. okay, i just described the brawny paper towel man.) anyways, most of the guys i've dated have been at least 6'0" or taller. quasi, for instance, is 6'2", about 225 lbs, and manly. i'm 5'4", 107 lbs., and girly, so the juxtaposition is fairly great. and while quasi is one of the most well-dressed men i know (he really should just own banana republic and nordstroms because the guy has the entire men's department of each respective store hanging in his closet), he doesn't wear bright colored boas, head dresses, jewelry, or gel and spike his hair. - point is he's not "flashy," no pun intended. (keep reading and you'll see where i'm going with this.)

as a matter of fact most males aren't flashy. human males, that is. males in the animal kingdom, on the other hand, are a whole different story. males in the animal kingdom are very flashy and ornate. for some reason i find this totally interesting. i may be alone in my interest, but why do the males get to be the pretty ones?? all the ~~colorful, flamboyant~~ males are on the left; ~~plain, boring~~ females on the right.

peacocks

cardinals

mallard ducks

lions

geckos: the male is the cool lime green one

see what i mean?? yes, i know, i know - the males are colorful and bright in order to attract females. i watch enough national geographic to know that. i just wish it could be the other way around. hmmmph!

time for a lobbyist office tour

2010-04-26T08:49:00.003-05:00

so you may or may not have seen some office tours going on around the blogosphere. you can thank my boa-loving friend cher from the only girl for this trend and check out her site for other international workspace tours. i finally decided to get in on the fun, too. my office is fairly unexciting and - i never thought i'd say this - i actually miss working in downtown houston sometimes. the one good thing about working where i do now is we have a huge parking lot, so i don't have to park in a parking garage and walk 20 minutes like i had to while i worked in the mayor's office at city hall. i know, walking 20 minutes may not seem like a big deal to some of you, but wearing 3" heels, a silk blouse, and having to hike it in 105 degree heat and 98% humidity is a real pain in the arse, not to mention it totally messes up your hair. houston isn't exactly a walkable environment. (i know you smart growth and urban planners in san fran and nyc are probably having heart attacks.)

okay, enough talk. on to the tour:

1. welcome! please come in! do you need to make a copy? i have a texas-sized copier here to greet you.

2. here's my desk, walls, and files. clearly.

3. i like to organize my life. i'll organize the heck out of yours too, if you'll let me.

4. the view from my shoes everyday. i basically stare at my boss. well, i don't stare at him, i mean i can see him from my desk. those doors normally aren't shut, and he is normally throwing various squishy stress balls at me to get my attention when i ignore him.

5. here's my little piece of home that i brought to spruce up my office. i figure since i spent more hours than i'd like to admit here, i should probably have something nice to look at. and that sign on the left is my fave: "there are 2 theories to arguing with a woman; neither one works."

6. contents of my middle desk drawer. i obvs love sugar.

7. some of my files. and my calendar. and trash can. all very exciting.

hope you enjoyed the tour! i would say come back anytime, but that would be weird.

you get to see me walking and talking: my first vlog ever!! (vlog = video log, p.s.)

2010-04-22T11:11:00.008-05:00

thanks to THE stephanie (almost like THE ga) from live.laugh.love. and bathwater from memento mori, i have finally figured out how to upload a video! i had the "updated blogger editor" and you have to have the "old blogger editor." seems oxymoronic to me, but whatever. point is i have finally uploaded my own personal video for your viewing pleasure. here's the deal with this first vlog. i had just gotten home from work and had nothing to talk about since no one gave me topics or asked me any questions. plus, it was my first and you're always really nervous with your first. so sorry in advance if it's kind of boring, it's kind of just me talking. bailey makes her supporting actress debut, too. please don't judge. unless you do it nicely. i promise the content will be much better next time.

news you can use #18: breaking benjamin, no more salt, bulldoggies, don't drink and drive a lazy boy, vlog help, and ipads

2010-04-22T09:21:00.004-05:00

breaking benjamins. the u.s. treasury and federal reserve officials unveil the new currency to start circulation in february 2011. supposedly the new design will help to thwart counterfeiters. looks a little like the euro to me.

FDA asked to force food industry to cut back on salt. do you have any idea how much this would change my life?? i LOVE salt. (and not just salt from salt says, either!) for years i thought i had some sort of disease that made me crave salt. (hypochondria?) whatever it is it must be the same disease that makes me crave sugar.

bullydoggies. for all of you bulldog lovers out there, this one is for you. the beautiful bulldog contest in des moines, iowa:

don't drink and drive a recliner chair. remember this story back from october 2009 where a man in deluth, minnesota was arrested and given a DUI for being drunk while driving a lazy boy recliner chair?? i didn't remember it either, but apparently this chair was auctioned off for $3,700. the recliner has all of the modern conveniences: it is powered by a lawnmower engine and comes equipped with a stereo, cup holders and a magazine rack. CLASSY!!

vlog help!! so i recorded a vlog for you guys last night but don't have a clue as to how to post it. i went to the trusty internet and got these ~~useless~~ instructions:

click the film strip icon on the post editor toolbar.
in the popup window, click "browse" to find the video on your computer.
enter a title for your video.
agree to the terms and conditions (if this is your first video upload).
click "upload video."

one huge problem - these instructions were useless because i have no "upload video" icon on my blogger editor! wtf. do i have a messed up blogger account?! am i the only one without this "upload video" icon?? my other option would be to post it to youtube and then upload it from there, but i'd really rather not do that. i don't even have a youtube account and i don't really intend on making one. any suggestions?! please help!

i don't have the icon below boxed in red!!

*UPDATE: thanks to THE stephanie and bathwater, i've figured it out!! i have to use the OLD blogger editor to add the video. that doesn't seem to make much sense, blogger...*

iPad. oh, yeah. and i got an iPad last night. well, technically quasi got us one, which really means it's mine. ~~but i will share.~~ we'll see how cool this bad boy is.

interesting people in my city

2010-04-21T13:49:00.002-05:00

okay, so i was at the city of houston public session alllll day yesterday afternoon. public session is just what it sounds like - people from the public (citizens of houston) come before houston city council and speak on ANY public (or in some cases private) matter they want to. and i mean ANYthing. it usually pertains to something that is on the council's agenda the following morning, but sometimes it doesn't. there's a lot of interesting folks that come down to council.

by the way, it was 4/20 yesterday, in case you forgot. and speaking of interesting folks, please check out some of the ~~crazy~~ interesting pro-4/20 advocates.

{please notice that this "gentleman" is wearing a giant marijuana leaf t-shirt and has kindly cut a hole in his shirt to reveal his love for miss mary jane.}

{just who i would want to take home to meet the family.}

take me back tuesday: why my dog hates me OR why i will make a good mother to a human baby one day (depends on how you look at it)

2010-04-20T08:48:00.003-05:00

i stop by my mom's house (aka - bailey's mimi and doggy daycare sitter) and walk into this:

batwoman with (chip) clips in her hair

suffice it to say, she was pretty pissed off and she's still not talking to me, as a matter of fact. sorry the picture quality sucks; as much as i love my iphone, its photographic capabilities leave something to be wanted. also, i will probably be missing in action around the blogosphere. my work is kicking my ass - well, actually not my work, more like the people/things/policies i'm lobbying against are kicking my ass. but once the dust has settled and i stop running around like my hair is on fire, i'll be back my lovers.

and p.s. if you haven't gone and checked out this post, i suggest you do it now. it'll be worth your while, and it really should be classified as a take me back tuesday. it is seriously A-MAZING.

the story of flash and foof

2010-04-19T19:46:00.003-05:00

want to see tons of pics of flash and foof (aka - tara from that's why her hair is so big)??

go HERE. right NOW. hurry!!! you will LOVE it.

and follow her. you won't be disappointed.

because i love you all so much...

2010-04-15T09:15:00.001-05:00

i will not be blogging today, but catching up and commenting on all of your blogs. i'm also adding some new goodies to my daily digests on my sidebar. don't be sad. i'll be back soon.

p.s. i did not wake up dead this morning. it's going to be a good day.

why i'm so glad i woke up alive this morning and didn't die in my sleep.

2010-04-14T10:56:00.001-05:00

i know the post title sounds serious and that's because it kind of is. ~~not really.~~ so last night, i'm sitting at my kitchen table attempting to put a second permanent invisishield cover on my iphone. (the night before quasi had put the first invisishield screen on UPSIDE-FREAKING-DOWN leaving my phone a sticky mess. long story. i thought my life was over yesterday and my phone was going to be ruined forever.) oh, and i was baking more of those easter bunny sugar cookies. i started with ten boxes and i'm down to two. don't judge. for those of you who are familiar with those invisishield things, you have to be really precise about it. plus, they're $30 and this was the second one since the first got all effed up, so i was a little bitter about spending $60 for a damn protective shield. well, technically i didn't buy them, but it was still money that could have been spent on other things.

anyways, so like i said i'm sitting at my kitchen table trying to have the concentration of a surgeon conducting a dangerous, evasive brain surgery. one wrong move, and the ~~person~~ iphone is dead. while i'm totally absorbed with the task at hand, my little nugget has dragged out her toy basket and is throwing her toys all around the apartment.

she's kicking bones with her paws, watches them slide across the wood floor, then chases after them sliding into walls and making a shitload of noise. i'm trying to get her to stop and be still for a little bit because she's totally ruining my focus style. naturally, she doesn't listen because she doesn't care. she's like a teenager, but at least i can lock her in her crate. last i checked with CPS, you're not allowed to do that with kids. supposedly. we'll see.

so i put the screen on the phone, finally, and admire my hard work. i then turn to see my little nugget head laying sideways on the floor trying to stretch out and reach a rawhide that has slid under the couch. (this is a nightly thing. drives me insane.) so she's making this awful scraping noise with her claws on the metal bar under the couch. it's like nails on a chalkboard but worse. finally, i finish my iphone surgery and get up to get the bone so she'll stop.

when i bend down to get it, she jumps on my back and bites my ponytail. (she's obsessed with ears, ponytails, and buns. it's really weird.) i jolt up very quickly and as i do i knock the back of my head on my coffee table and fall back to the ground. i try to stand up, but when i do i fall back down and i'm seeing all these black spots.

i touch the back of my head and see a tiny bit of red. no, i'm not bleeding profusely or anything, but enough to say, shit, i'm bleeding, i coud be dying. what if this is brain fluid? omg, i don't even have a will.

my head is pounding and i fear my brain is hemorrhaging. i lay on the couch for a few minutes thinking, i can't even call 911 because that damn invisishield on my phone is still drying! maybe if i scream loud enough my neighbors will hear me. but what if screaming makes my brain bleed more? these are the thoughts going through my wounded and bruised brain. eventually i get up still feeling wobbly and text my mom. very carefully, of course because my phone is still drying.

me: mom, i think i'm dying.

mom: no, you're not.

me: yes. i have a concussion.

mom: how?

me: bailey's bone went under the couch, when i went to get it, i slammed the back of my head into the corner of my coffee table. i saw stars. and not the famous kind. and blood, too.

mom: you probably do have a concussion. have you thrown up?

me: no, but i have cookies baking in the oven. shit! i have cookies in the oven! they might be burning while my head is bleeding!

mom: go eat your cookies and call me if you throw up.

me: but what if i'm so incapacitated i can't call? and why are you always telling me to eat cookies. you are such an enabler. you want me to be fat.

mom: bailey will call. and you could never be fat.

me: oh, no! i can't go to sleep tonight! what if i have an aneurism in my sleep and i wake up dead!

mom: you can't "wake up dead."

me: you know what i mean. what if i don't wake up?! i'll be like liam neeson's wife who hit her head in the terrible ski accident and then went into a coma and never came out of it! what if that happens?!

mom: then i'll be sad.

thank you, mother for your undying love and support. fortunately i did wake up alive this morning.

take me back tuesday: the denim and bunny dress makes its second appearance. this time it's with a cool old man and a little pumpkin.

2010-04-13T08:41:00.000-05:00

remember the denim and bunny dress?? well, it's made it's comeback here at my grandparents' house while carving pumpkins. and remember how one of my nicknames is "moody padoody"? well, you can thank the gramps for that one. he still calls me that to this day.

now, grandpa, you have to be very careful and precise. i'm less concerned about you cutting yourself and more concerned with the perfection of my pumpkin. i don't want you messing up my masterpiece, ya hear?

THIS right here in my grubby little hands is why i don't carve pumpkins. pumpkin guts.

oh, and i really love your wallpaper, grandma. tres chic.

looks pretty damn good, if i do say so myself!

video games, bunny cookies, bffff's birthday, and open houses

2010-04-12T11:18:00.004-05:00

- friday night i was dead tired from a ridiculous work week. quasi and i grabbed some dinner and stayed in playing video games together. i know, i am the dream girlfriend. video games on a friday night. exciting stuff. sorry to disappoint you all with my wicked fun weekend life, but after going out to late business dinners and political fundraisers all week, i was done.

- saturday, i was craving sweets for breakfast, so i ate my weight in those damn pillsbury easter bunny sugar cookies. (i had an entire box, by.myself. in case you are wondering.) delish. i did the heidi homemaker thing and spent the day cleaning, doing laundry, and bathing bailey. all very productive and adult-like. after consuming 3,000 calories for breakfast, i decided a run was in order. plus, my little nugget loves when i take her running with me. then i met my birthday bffff at the mall to go shopping for her birthday dress to wear that evening. a group of us went to chuy's for dinner and margs then off to washington st. we went. good times, with good friends, celebrating a special birthday.

- sunday, woke up for church, realized i was dead tired, and decided to go to a later service. when i finally woke up, i baked some more of those terribly addictive cocaine cookies. (i have ten boxes, in case you're wondering. compliments of my mother.) later that afternoon, quasi and i went to see a house that i have had my eye on for months. other than some minor changes that i'd want to make to the house, i'm in love with it! i'll keep you updated for any new developments.

- and since it is monday morning, and i know how much we all love monday mornings, please enjoy one of my favorite videos. you will fall in love with gladys hardy from austin, texas.

getting to know me. one letter at a time.

2010-04-09T11:22:00.005-05:00

i don't typically do things like this, but i've seen it around the blogosphere and it looked kind of fun.

a. area code: well, we have three in houston actually. (713), (281), and (832). my cell starts with (281). you can guess the rest.

b. bed size: queen. my california king-sized bed is still at my parents' house.

c. chore you hate: hmm, well i actually enjoy cleaning. i'm kind of an organized clean freak. but i guess i have to say, i hate scrubbing pots and pans.

d. dog's name: bailey! but she will also respond to: bailey boo, little nugget, nugget head, bat girl, boo bear, coo coo, sugar bear, love bug, ratdog, bug catcher.

e. essential "start of the day" item: this isn't really an "item," per se, but prayer. i have to begin my day in prayer. after that, homemade banana bread!

f. favorite color: hmm, it depends on what it is. i'm always drawn toward the color turquoise, though i have nothing turquoise in my house other than clothes.

g. gold or silver: i like both, but i primarily wear silver.

h. height: 5'4" but i wear heels a lot, so i look taller. at least i think i look taller?

i. instruments you play: umm, does tapping my pen on my desk count?

j. job: i'm a lobbyist. my official title is "deputy director of government affairs." still confused about what a lobbyist is or does? read this article written by a mentor friend of mine. i recommend reading the article even if you do already know. it's good stuff.

k. kids: just one little fur baby. i plan on having kids one day, though.

l. living arrangements: in a condo, with my little fur nugget.

m. mom's name: it starts with an "S."

n. nickname: oh, geez i have a ton, and i can't really tell you all of them, but here's some... mer, mer bear, m, moody, moody padoody, merry mulberry, princess, doll, cheerleader cheerleader, sissy.

o. overnight hospital stay: quite a few times, actually. once for knee surgery and twice for getting this weird virus and had to be quarantined for six days. hospitals are no stranger to my family with as many health issues as my mom and little sister have. a lot of nights have been spent sleeping at the hospital while my mom was there. never fun.

p. pet peeve: where do i begin?? being lied to, lateness, rude drivers, bad table manners.

q. quote from movie: i don't necessarily have a favorite, but i always find myself saying, "you're killing me smalls." (name that movie.)

r. righty or lefty: righty.

s. siblings: two - a brother (18 years old) and a sister (11 years old). (i actually grew up with five older brothers. long story. maybe for another day, but probably not.)

t. time you wake up: 6:45 a.m. then i hit snooze a few times.

u. underwear: underwear? isn't that a little too personal??

v. vegetables you dislike: i have to be in the mood for veggies, but i like most of them. well, i hate onions (is that a vegetable?) and black-eyed peas.

w. ways or reasons you are late: i'm typically on time, surprisingly. i'm a very punctual person. but if i am late, it's usually because i overslept or traffic.

x. x-rays: umm, tons. too many to count. i've had a lot of broken bones, and i played sports my entire life. college athletics lead to lots of x-rays.

y. yummy food you make: banana bread!!

z. zoo animals you like: penguins. i love watching the wittle penguins swim all around. i would love to steal one, as a matter of fact.

news you can use #17: teenagers, a hated man, women's one true love, craptastic engagement, and a bestie's birthday

2010-04-08T08:44:00.000-05:00

(idiot) teen accuses accuses mom of facebook harassment. teenagers can really be little shits sometimes, i swear. apparently some 16 year old little twit from arkansas filed a harassment complaint at a local courthouse when his mom shut him out of his facebook account after she read he had driven 95 mph. according to the mother, many of her son’s postings didn’t reflect well on him, so after he failed to log off the social networking site one day last month, she posted her own items on his account and changed his password to keep him from using it again. "the things he was posting in facebook would make any decent parent’s eyes pop out and his jaw drop," the mother said said. "he had been warned before about things he had been posting." i'm pretty sure i'm going to give my kids to my mother when they hit their teenage years. you think i'm joking. just wait.

shake them haters off? that phrase is typically told to people who don't really deserve negative press, but this doesn't really seem to apply in j.j.'s situation because he is being hated on for good reason. jesse james is the most hated man in america. i'm sure this comes as no surprise to any of you, but i still felt compelled to let my readers know.

my true love throughout history. i think it's safe to say, ladies that we all lust after the same love: shoes. namely, high heels. men, you know this. there's not many women who don't love shoes. that being said, let me share with you my one true love throughout history. these pics show me how far our love has come and just how long women have been wearing heels. some of these bad boys are from the 15th century.

a craptastic engagement. lindsay lohan's pop, michael lohan, is now engaged to kate major. don't know kate major? well, she's jon gosselin's ex-girlfriend. not-so-surprisingly, lindsey is quoted as saying this engagement makes her want to vom. quite frankly, i couldn't care less.

{what a perfect couple}

a very special birthday. one of my real life best friends, sara, is celebrating her birthday this weekend!! she's been a bestie since our college soccer days, and after dozens of roadtrips and shared hotel rooms later, she's still a bestest! (gaahhh, that hotel comment sounded weird, but you get my point.) as an athlete, i think the bonds created with friends and teammates is really unique and tight. not only is sara one of my best friends, she was an amazing teammate and stood ready to kick anyone's ass who messed with me on the field. that's the benefit of being a part of a team, you mess with one of us, you mess with all of us.

happy birthday, sara ann!! i love you!!

change is a good thing: penny lane designs

2010-04-07T10:52:00.002-05:00

so you may or may not have noticed some big, awesome changes around here.

thanks to the wonderfully fabulous marina of penny lane designs, i have a brand, spanking new blog design that is totally me! i'm totally loving my header!! marina is extremely talented and very professional and was able to combine my crazy , un-articulated vision into something great, clean and polished.

let me let marina tell you a little bit more about herself and penny lane designs:

hi there! i'm marina, the owner and designer of Penny Lane Designs. i live in dallas with my wonderful husband {chris}, sweet baby boy {owen} and two cute maltese pups {penny lane & sophie}. i use this blog as a way to post recent designs, keep my clients up to date, and every now and then…post a little rambling or picture of some ‘behind the scenes’ news in my life. have fun browsing and please visit often!

let me show you a few of the amazing blogs marina's madeover:

contact marina for your next makeover, and tell her i sent you!

thanks so much, marina!!!

please don't be sad, but...

2010-04-06T06:13:00.002-05:00

sorrs guys... it's 6 o'clock in the freaking morning and i'm headed out to meetings, hearings, and more meetings and hearings, so i'll be a crazy working woman all the live long day. in the meantime, feel free to love on my brand spankin' new blog makeover by the gorgeous and wonderfully talented miss marina at penny lane designs!!

a true, in real life, scary story

2010-04-05T14:10:00.002-05:00

i hope everyone had a happy easter or passover weekend (shoutout to my favorite jews). i personally love easter. it is the whole basis of my faith, so in terms of meaning, it's numero uno. plus, i love the treats and presents the easter bunny brings me, the easter egg hunt where my family's eggs contain cool things like umm $50 bills, and the delicious food. unfortunately, i'm not here to talk about my amazing easter weekend. or to show you awesome pics from yesterday's celebrations. sads, i know. what i have to share with you will scare you. seriously, scare your panties off.

i have a very, very true scary story. it's real. it's not one of those "this is based on a true story" stories. this really, in real life, happened to me last thursday night and it was traumatizing, to say the least.

so last thursday night i'm getting home late from dinner. it was like 10 o'clock at night. (like i said really late.) anyways, i'm pretty sure i've described where i live to you all, but just in case you forgot, i'll remind you - very woodsy, lots of trees, really dark at night, lots of nature which means tons of squirrels and birds and other animals...

okay, so let me set the scene: i'm still in my work clothes - a super cute skirt suit and a pair of 3-inch heels and i'm carrying my giant purse which is large enough to carry the amount of rice needed to feed the country of uganda for a month, three weeks worth of dry cleaning, some work files because i'm a workaholic, and my new iphone. (IN LOVE, btw.) so here i am minding my own biznass. i'm walking down the narrow path leading to my condo which is lined with lots of nature-y bush plants that look like they're from the dinosaur period. i'm sure these plants have a name, but i'm not a botanist and i'm pretty sure google wouldn't be any help when my best description of the plant is "alien dinosaur plant." sorry, i digress.

like i said, i was minding my own biznass, when i turn the corner and run right into....

CHARLIE (!!!@%#(&*^#&*%^!!!!!!!!!!!)

{i am going to kill you!!!!!!!!!!!!!}

holy shiz, right?! i freaked and screamed and ran. really, really fast back to my car. i swear i heard him say, "i know where you sleep and i'm going to kill you" as i ran. i can't be certain though, my heart was pounding and obscured my hearing. i sat in my car for the next 30 minutes hyperventilating debating on whether or not i would just camp out in my car until morning.

this wasn't the first time i had ever seen charlie. but, you see, normally charlie looks like this:

he is about the size of a small bear cub (he's a big ass possum), and he is generally amicable and polite not rabid and effing crazy. bailey was spending the night at her mimi's on thursday night, so she wasn't there to save my life. i have since told baily about it and i expect there to be a showdown between my little bat-eared nugget and mr. charlie. i'm contacting UFC to see if they want to air the fight on pay-per-view. we'll see.

you watch your back charlie, you little furry jerk.

news you can use #16: a $1.5 mil superman, easter bunnies, things i want in my bathroom, dems and repubs, makeovers

2010-04-01T10:08:00.002-05:00

i've got a couple new readers since last week, so let me give you newbies a little introduction of what thursdays look like around these parts. some of you don't have time to or choose not to keep yourself in the know about important events. no need to fear, in each edition of news you can use! i supply you with only the very best weekly news. this news includes - but is not limited to - such important things as: world news, famies news, movie news, reality tv news, interesting and weird happenings news, things i happen to find important or freakishly cool news, and my news (aka - what's going on in my life news). i know. all really exciting stuff. so sit back, grab a grande skinny vanilla soy latte or a bottle of wine and know you are will be more informed after reading this.

superman comic sells for $1.5 million. yes, that's $1,500,000. that is a lot of zeros. a lot of zeros that i could buy a lot of other things with. like oh, say, pay for my law school education up front, a new car, a house, clothes, shoes, handbags... heck, i'm sure i'd even have a little money leftover to buy a couple thousand comic books.

{forgive me, but i really just don't get it... to each their own, i suppose}

beware of creepy bunnies. i know how much we all like pictures, so for your visual enjoyment...

really cool stuff i want in my bathroom. ever want more cool stuff in your bathroom? feel like a sink, bath/shower and toilet just aren't enough? me too. actually i lose sleep over the endless possibility of new gadgets in my bathroom. here's just some of the bathroom items i'm currently coveting:

the eclipse television mirror embeds an LCD tv behind a two-way bathroom mirror. when the tv is off, you can't see it at all. turn it on using the included remote and voila! watch real housewives of nyc while flossing. the 15-inch tv mirror starts at $1,326; add another $150 to $300 for the 20-inch unit.

tired of turning the tap on and off? then boy, have i got a gadget for you lazies! this "intelligent faucet" from iHouse uses facial recognition to recognize you automatically and adjust the water temperature and flow to your tastes. the touchscreen lets you check your email, blog, twitter, facebook, weather forecasts, and your daily schedule while bathing.

are you a sun-worshipper with no time for a tanning salon or the great outdoors? this $11,000 tanning shower allows you to bronze your skin as you wash. switch on specific tanning lamps to target particularly pale areas where the sun never shines. hmmm, this seems to be skin cancer waiting to happen.

our favorite dems and repubs. you know i had to get one political thing up in here. plus, i think some of you will find it interesting. well, i do, at least - seeing is though politics is my career. newsweek recently put out democrats five favorite republicans, and republicans five favorite democrats. i'll refrain from any political commentary, but i will say that for the most part, i agree with the choices.

conservatives 5 fave dems

1. jim webb
(senator from virginia)

2. rahm emanuel
(white house chief of staff)

3. barney frank
(rep from massachusetts)

4. russ feingold
(senator from wisconsin)

5. brad henry
(gov. of oklahoma)

liberals 5 fave repubs

1. scott brown
(senator from massachusetts)

2. jon huntsman
(u.s. ambassador to china)

3. mitch daniels
(gov. of indiana)

4. paul ryan
(rep from wisconsin)

5. charlie crist
(current gov. of florida, running for senate)

blog makeover coming soon. pretty soon, things are going to be changing around these parts thanks to marina with penny lane designs. stay tuned!

there's a pageant for everyone. even you.

2010-03-31T09:36:00.000-05:00

have you ever wanted to enter a contest or pageant but feel like you don't fit in anywhere? if that's what you think then you are seriously and sadly mistaken, my friend(s). there's something for everyone. and my everyone, i mean EV.ER.Y.ONE. don't believe me? let me show you:

here in a shopping mall in shenyang, china is the miss plump beauty pageant. i seriously thought this was a wedding dress. or a quinceanera dress. we have lots of those in tejas.

my friends in mumbai, india hosts the "indian super queen" beauty pageant for the transgender community. around 400 contestants participated in february.

a balinese transexual gets ready for a similar competition on the island of bali.

khadra al-mubarak is one of the organizers of the "miss beautiful morals" pageant in saudi arabia. the winner will be the one who exhibits the most devotion and respect for her parents irrespective of her looks. i am fairly certain that none of my readers will be winning this contest anytime soon.

rita, who declined to give her last name, belts out a tune during the talent portion of the second annual miss independence day pageant at walden house, a residential treatment center south of downtown los angeles. even addicts get in on the action.

and yes, there is a miss outdoors pageant. dakota abbott was one of two pageant contestants to also enter the muskrat-skinning contest in maryland. i'm fairly certain sarah palin could enter and win this whole thing.

these are the three finalists in the prison beauty pageant. each september, the female inmates hold a pageant in honor of the virgin of mercedes, the patron saint of prisoners. umm, cool...?

...and lithuania. they call theirs "miss captivity." wow. classy.

baton twirler shelby annelle twirls her heart out in "the great american trailer park pageant." tt was hosted by jerry springer 2005. naturally.

there's even a contest between HIV infected women call "miss positive." perhaps it's just me, but this seems a bit insensitive. maybe i'm wrong?

the miss dog america competition is fierce. my bailey could totes win this.

take me back tuesday: the beginning of flash's soccer career and broken arms

2010-03-30T14:32:00.002-05:00

so consensus has it i should do a vlog. i hereby make a promise to you all and my bffff, squeaky, a vlog will be coming your way soon. well, maybe soon. depends on how you define "soon." point is it will be happening.

now on to the whole reason why we all love tuesdays so much... the two pics below are near and dear to my heart and remind me of my early beginning at a long soccer career.

here's 8 year old (flash) on her first ever legitimate soccer team, the hotshots. we were pink and blue because our team was made up of a bunch of very girlie girls and pink was THE color of the day. who would have ever thought that from such humble beginnings, most of the girls i played with would go on to play division 1 college soccer and a few of which play professionally worldwide to this day. now on to the important stuff - let me address my hair, beaver teeth, and broken arm. until about age 8, i had rapunzel long hair. i somehow got the brilliant idea to chop it all off and donate it to locks of love. (i'm a giver like that.) i also cut my own bangs. obvs. the teeth. oh my gaaaawsh, the teeth. i assume (seriously hope), we all had beaver-like teeth at some point or another. (thank you for orthodontists and braces.) the arm - this was my second broken arm. by age 8, i had managed to break my left arm twice. by age 14, i had managed to break my left arm not twice, but six times. and i'm not talking little hairline fractions, i'm talking compound, clean breaks, some required screws. for some reason upper body strength was never my strong suit, it seems. wearing pink and being a little badass center-midfielder, on the other hand, was.

i hesitated even putting this picture up because it's hideous. so feel free to point and laugh. this was me around age 9. age 9-12 = my super tomboy days. hence the disgusting kate gosslin haircut. i'm pretty sure kate got a tip out of my book and this was the haircut that inspired her own notorious wedge 'do. same soccer team, but now instead of pink and blue, we graduated to red and blue. less girlie, you know. age 8, pink was cool, but now that i was 9, i would not be caught dead wearing pink. i just now noticed the rolled up sleeves. for some reason, i couldn't stand sleeves. i still can't. i always have to tuck my jersey and shorts up. i swear i envy volleyball players in the spanky shorts and sleeveless tops. if it were soccer protocol to wear stuff like that, i totally would.

friends, squeaky. squeaky, friends.

2010-03-29T11:08:00.002-05:00

so "operation-don't-eat-so-i-can-look-like-a-victoria's-secret-swimsuit-model" this weekend was a total failure, as i assumed it would be. i've been on this total carb kick for oh, say, 20+ years and i don't think i'll be conquering it anytime soon.

because i have a crapton of work to do and because i am entirely and unequivocally uninteresting this morning, i will leave you to be with my new bfffffff, squeaky. (and in honor of surferwife, i ask that it be pronounced just as it as written: "bfffff." none of the B.F.F. crap anymore.)

happy passover to my jews out there, holy week to my Christian brothas and sistas, and four-day work week to all of us!!

p.s. - i'm considering doing a vlog post. is that something any of you would be interested in watching at all or am just that insanely boring? also, what would y'all like to hear about? are there any burning questions you have or any topic you want me to talk about? i mean, as much as i like the sound of my own voice, i'd kind of rather you all dictate this show since y'all will - hopefully, fingers crossed - be the ones watching it.

dear readers, i need your help. swimsuit help, to be exact.

2010-03-26T13:41:00.000-05:00

so it's that time of year again. swimsuit season time. i have this love-hate relationship with swimsuit season. mostly because these women below make me feel like crap about myself (and make me rethink that bag of organic blue corn chips and vanilla-sugar cookies i just ate), but also because i end up spending hundreds of dollars on swimsuits i'm not even entirely sure i love. that's where you gals (and guys) come in because you may know me better than i know myself.

so i went to trusted victoria's secret.com and narrowed down my search to some of the most affordable and cutest swimsuits. i have lots of patterned swimsuits, so i'm kind of going to a solid color and simplicity here. they pretty much have 345092 different colors for each of these swimsuits, so just because a color is/isn't shown here it doesn't mean they don't have it. i'll be buying two, so help me choose!

note to self: you are not allowed to eat this weekend. geez.

news you can use #15: cars of the future, going postal, famies and lyme disease, the hunger games

2010-03-25T08:51:00.000-05:00

cars of the future. segways meet smart cars. these GM city cars will be able to "communicate" with other cars to prevent traffic hang-ups and wrecks. they're designed for use in very high population areas, such as shanghai. i'm pretty sure we won't see any in america anytime soon.

{i'm pretty sure getting into a wreck in one of these babies with some of our "texas" trucks would mean certain death.}

no more mail on saturdays. the u.s. postal service dropped to five-day delivery cutting out saturday deliveries. this kind of sucks because i generally mail stuff out on saturdays, but i guess it doesn't significantly alter my life in any big way, so i'm already over it. the postal service says this delivery change will save over $3 billion annually. i certainly hope this means that the costs of stamps will stop going up every five minutes. for real, i think it was $0.20 to mail a letter when i was born and now it's $0.44. you can read the full article here.

{images found here}

ben stiller may have lyme disease. after a trip to mozambique and falling in a ditch hurting his knee, actor ben stiller may have lyme disease. just so you know, a mosquito bit me the other day, and i might have malaria. i'm going to the doctor just to be sure. and just in case you think i'm being insensitive (which may or may not be highly probable), lyme disease is an easily treatable inflammatory illness spread through a tick bite which is common on the east coast of the u.s. and also just so you know, this was one of the top stories in houston's online newspapers. we treat famies good around here.

{i'm so glad this story was front page worthy.}

books i'm loving right now:

{the hunger games is the first book and i'm nearly done with the second book, catching fire, and i still don't know when the third will come out!! i spent all day yesterday home sick in bed just reading and sleeping. eeeek! i don't know how long i can wait!}

take me back tuesday: (flash)'s soristute days

2010-03-23T13:36:00.002-05:00

remember how i promised some good ol' sorority pictures way back when? well, today is the day i deliver, my friends. they're not the greatest, but they're all i could get my hands on quickly and i was in a hurry. unfortunately, i do have another job other than blogging and it seems to be consuming much of my time as of late. nonetheless, i have found time for you, my love birds. please allow me to introduce you all to (flash), circa her freshman year of college as a mere pledge of one of the biggest, baddest sororities on campus:

here are me and my girls freshman year at an 80s-themed chapter meeting. just in case you can't find me, i'm the third from the left in the navy blue flash dance sweatshirt. i really got in touch with my birth decade this chapter meeting.

here i am with one of my pledge class sisters and my big sis waiting for the party bus outside the phi delt house. the phi delts had their annual toga party every december in the middle of the freakin' winter and it happened to be about 30 degrees on this particular night. i don't remember being cold, though. hmmm. and please remind me why we thought it was okay to dress this way? i'm fairly certain women wearing real togas wouldn't have had a toga anything like mine. clearly, the movie 300 hadn't come out yet to educate me on spartan or greek attire.

last but not least is a photo from a "secs and execs" frat party. (i.e. - secretaries and executives) i happened to be "sober sister" at this party which meant it was my job to make sure i was there to help out any of my fellow sororistute sisters if they needed it. i was such the good little volunteer girl. plus, i had a soccer scrimmage the next morning and had to be up at the crack of dawn, so underage drinking was not an option. the guy i'm with was a baseball player and boyfriend at the time; he and i are still good friends.

an (angry) open letter to "spring"

2010-03-22T10:44:00.002-05:00

dear "spring,"

i put your name is "quotations" because you are no longer the spring i know and love. you are a spring poser and i don't like it. look spring, i don't know what the deal is. you are i seriously used to bff. you were all warm, sunny, with a light cool breeze all up in my face and i was looking all hot in my cute springy dresses, cardis, and wedge sandals. to thank you for your generosity, i always spent as much time as is humanly possible soaking up your awesomeness. i remember back in college, if i wasn't in class, i was either outside at soccer practice, studying on the lawn, or playing sand volleyball with friends. we had a very symbiotic relationship, and it was good for a really long time. but like all good things, they don't last forever.

this weekend, you really let me down. like big time. maybe you've forgotten what you did to my weekend; let me give you a visual reminder. saturday a.m., instead of waking up to this:

{pretty flowers with blue skies and sunshine; and yes, i do expect a goat offering.}

i woke up to THIS:

{oh, and did i mention it was 34 degrees??!}

now how in the name of springtime goodness can you explain that?! you could not have missed the mark further. and for that, i am very disappointed in you. and please spare me the excuses of el nino and "global warming;" i hear that from al gore enough. he's the guy who also invented the internet, remember??

please don't pull an apolo ohno and ignore my letter. i don't like being ignored. i hope we can resolve whatever rift you've created in our relationship because i have sundresses and new bikinis waiting to be worn.

waiting impatiently with love for 68-76 degree weather,

meredith

news you can use #14: trophy obesity, surferwife being famie, sandra and jesse, dog eats diamond, healthcare, vote for jess

2010-03-18T10:35:00.002-05:00

it's thursday, and you all know what that means. i know, it's your favorite day of the week around these parts and the only reason why you read my pandering.

aiming to be the world's fattest woman. first of all, you read that right. second, of all who does this?! according to this article, donna simpson is working as hard as she can to get fat - very, very fat. she weighs 600 pounds, she claims, and is vying for the title of world's fattest woman from the guinness book of world records. if she can't do it, she'll settle for world's fattest mom. wow, lady. wow. so you're willing to slowly kill yourself and leave your children motherless. i wonder what people's reaction would be if this woman was anorexic and she was starving herself to be the "world's skinniest woman." this woman obviously has some sort of illness (other than obesity), and for the sake of her children, i hope she gets help.

{way to stay healthy for your kids. very admirable.}

surferwife is super famous which means i am kind of famous. i am really lucky to be a part of an amazing trifecta. (trifecta = jessalyn from cape cod awesome, monique from a day in the life of a surferwife, and yours truly.) each of us ladies bring something awesome to the table. for one member of the trifecta, we keep her around to get close to the famies. surferwife and her surferhusband went to the... wait for it... taping of the chelsea lately show!! if you have no clue who chelsea handler, chuy, heather "longboobs" mcdonald, or any of the other crew is, i've provided hyperlinks and pictures. you're welcome. not only was surferchick specifically invited by heather "longboobs" mcdonald, but "longboobs" also follows her on freaking twitter. this in and of itself makes surferwoman a big effing deal. let me spell this out for you: "longboobs" has over 28,000 followers and she only follows 30 people. 30 people, people. surferwife is one of those 30. insane. be sure to tune in or set your DVRs to E! at 10:30 p.m. CST. surferwoman will be documenting the whole experience tomorrow on her blog so be sure and check her out. she's promised jess and i it will be legendary.

{chelsea handler and her ever faithful sidekick, chuy.}

sandra bullock and jesse james split?? say it ain't so!! there are reports saying that america's sweetheart, sandra bullock, and her tatted up husband, jesse james, are no longer living under the same roof. people magazine is reporting this and people is usually pretty legit... i hope they're wrong.

{j.j. apparently cheated on sandy with a tattoo-porn star model.}

maryland dog eats $20,000 diamond. i would have died on the spot. at least i'm not the only one with a bad dog. mine just eats dead squirrels. nothing of significant value.

tab for house health bill: $940B over 10 years. can i just be honest? i don't mean to get all political up in yo' faces, but this really stresses me out. house democrats are on track for a sunday vote on sweeping health care legislation that will expand coverage to millions of uninsured while also reducing the federal deficit, leaders said today. the bill delivers on pres obama’s top domestic priority by providing coverage to more than 30 million people now uninsured at a 10-year cost of $940 billion. it does so through a combination of tax credits for middle class households and an expansion of the medicaid program for low income people. read the full article here.

go vote for jessalyn from cape cod awesome here! you will be able to vote on the sidebar. it's quick, easy and takes 2.23 seconds of your time.

to catch up on all the news you've missed, go here.

take me back tuesday: denim and bunnies and pinching boys trying to lift up my dress

2010-03-16T09:19:00.000-05:00

here i am on my preschool picture day, and clearly, i was ballllllin' in my denim and bunny print overall dress. thanks to the date written on the back of the photo, i can say with certainty that this picture was take the month before my 5th birthday. i'm pretty sure age 5 was the point at which my personality and attitude were permanently fixed. let me explain: don't be fooled by my little smile, i had just pinched the little boy beside me in line for lifting up my dress and i received a time-out. it was all worth it for me though, because i remember the little boy crying and telling me i was mean. that taught the little effer not to lift up my bunny dress. men start early, it seems. and see those splotches on the photo?? it's spaghetti sauce. i know this because the picture sits in my mother's kitchen, the glass in the photo was broken when someone carelessly dropped me, and she clearly doesn't love me enough to regularly windex my photos.

giveaway winner and a bad case of the mondays

2010-03-15T09:03:00.000-05:00

first thing's first. tha giveaway winna is...

auntBT @ sometimes choosing a window is better than a door

so congrats, lady!! now, go on over to bomobob's etsy shop and shoot me an email letting me know which one of his amazing pieces you just hafta have!

-----

well, it's monday. obvs. and i know how much we all love mondays. i like mondays about as much as i like going to my yearly "woman's wellness" exam. (fyi - i HATE it, in case you couldn't get that.) so in honor of today (i.e. monday - i day i'm not particularly fond of), i'm going to share with you some other things i don't particularly care for. no, this isn't a negative post. no, i'm not complaining. i am simply spreading vast amounts of ~~useless~~ very important knowledge that you need to go on today. so here goes, here are the things that i highly dislike:

first, mcdonald's. i've already mentioned in news you can use #12 how unfond of mcdonald's i am, so this is just reason #359735707328345 why i dislike the golden arches. have you ever wondered what exactly is in a "chicken mcnugget"? no? okay, well you're much less inquisitive than i thought. i'm going to tell you even if you're not wondering. the "chicken" alone contains seven ingredients, and that's not even including the breading. per men's health magazine (i read it because there are hot guys in it), the “meat” in the mcnugget alone contains seven ingredients, some of which are made up of yet more ingredients. nope, it’s not just chicken. it’s also such non-chicken related stuff like water, wheat starch, dextrose, safflower oil, and sodium phosphates. the “meat” also contains something called “autolyzed yeast extract.” (there's your vocabulary word of the day.) then add another 20 ingredients that make up the breading, and you have the industrial chemical known as the mcnugget. mmmm, sounds delicious.

{remember last year when that lady called 911 because mcdonald's ran out of chicken mcnuggets?? no? well, it's a true story.}

when i spend more than five minutes on my hair and the second i walk outside it looks like this:

{i don't have red hair. and i'm not this pale.}

having to work when the rest of the world is on spring break!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ugh.

news you can use #13: breast milk cheese, old people, driving and your cha chi, green toilets, models i know, eclipse trailer, and sweet layla grace

2010-03-11T09:14:00.004-06:00

can you believe it? this is news you can use lucky #13. wow, i can't believe we've been doing this for 13 weeks now. and by "we," i really mean "i." enjoy some of the highlights of the weeks; there are some real goodies in here.

new york city chef creates breast milk cheese. disgusted? yeah, me too. you can check out the recipe here. ugh. let me know how you like it.

{feast your eyes on this: "mommy's milk cheese rolled in dehydrated porcini mushroom powder with burned onion chutney." i don't understand 3/4 of those words.}

oldest u.s. woman dies at age 114 year, 294 days. i want to live until i'm 112 and still be healthy. i'll let you know how that works out. i'm sure i'll totes still be blogging. you can check out all things old people here.

{isn't mary josephine ray just as cute as a damn button?! here she is at her 111th birthday party.}

don't ~~drink~~ shave your cha chi and drive. this little gem is brought to you courtesy of none other than mrs. tinseltown herself, hotpantsTM at handbags and handguns. she down with the celebrity gossip and is your go-to girl on all things oscar worthy. you can thank jessalyn for the new urban vocabulary word of the day: "cha chi." i still prefer pikachu, but i'm all for spicing things up around these parts. this lady apparently had places to go and wanted to make sure she was nice and "tidy." i just threw up in my mouth.

{stay classy.}

the no-mix toilet. men, how far are you willing to go to save the planet? are you willing to sit down to pee, rather than standing if it means you are being environmentally conscious? ladies, are you tired of fighting the perverbial "i-told-you-to-put-down-that-damn-toilet-seat!" men and women alike, if your answer is "yes" then boy have i got the toilet for you! per this article, "this toilet separates urine and poo-poo at the source. the nutrients in urine can be then recycled for such purposes as fertilizer. and the other sewage can then be transported to waste treatment facilities where actually can be used to produce power rather than consume it. the problem is that some people might not like the new toilet. for men it means sitting down, not standing. and apparently the toilets are more prone to blockages. nevertheless, scientists are reporting that europeans seem amenable to the new toilets." those damn europeans are so freaking trendy.

{you would totes be the coolest house on the block with this sucker.}

i know someone on america's next top model (!!!) i don't usually watch this show, but i was flipping through the channels last night and this girl i knew back in college is on this season. i feel famous. she's from kerrville, texas and she is an ex-boyfriend's sister's best friend. she was a couple years younger than me, but she'd hang out with my boyfriend's little sister so we'd hang out all together. she's considered a "plus-sized" model and is one of those girls that looks gorgeous with absolutely zero makeup.

twilight eclipse trailer. ahhhh! the trailer's out and i'm so stoked for the movie. okay, i'll admit, i'm totally down with the vamps. you can watch the full trailer here.

{my best friends forever.}

sweet layla grace. precious little layla grace lost her battle with stage 4 neuroblastoma cancer early tuesday morning. she was 2 years old. many of you have probably already heard of her as her short life captured the hearts of many. this precious life had a huge following on both her blog and twitter account and the outpouring of love and prayers has been amazing to see. her family lives in one of houston's suburbs (the same suburb my parents live, actually). please continue to pray for her family - her parents and her two sisters.

{layla grace marsh, 11.26.2007 - 03.09.2010}

* it's giveaway time: photography by bomobob *

2010-03-10T08:44:00.005-06:00

i hope y'all are as excited as i am because you all are definitely in for a badass treat today. we've got bob from photography by bomobob hooking one lucky follower up with one of his prints - of the winner's choosing - up to $30. how ya like them apples, eh? the winner actually gets to choose what they win. for those of you who don't win, bomobob is having a spring cleaning sale and clearance that's most definitely worth taking a look.

here's the deal, i coaxed bob to sit down and have a little chat with me. before we entered this whole co-hosting a giveaway thing, i needed to get to know him a little better and i thought my readers did, too. my notes are in blue.

how'd you get into photography?

bomobob: started early, and i'm certain that there's a photo of me somewhere with a kodak brownie hanging off my wrist when i was about 5 or 6. (mmm, i love brownies.) i just always loved the notion of being able to freeze a moment in time forever. the jury is still out as to whether i was an artistic visionary, (i vote artistic visionary) or just preparing for when i was too old to remember anything. or maybe there's a third choice... the interest never waned, and t began saving those bonus grocery stamps they used to have until i had enough to get a brand new kodak instamatic x-15, which i still use quite often.

{swinging at tibidabo}

where do you get your inspiration?

bomobob: pretty much everywhere. i tend to look around when i'm outside. constantly. like a puppy. (he clearly doesn't know my puppy. she has not been inspiring this week.) it looks like ADD, but i'm just always looking. looking at light and shadow, lines, shapes, near and far objects. there's so much beauty in everyday, mundane things. i'd have to say the two themes that dominate though, are nature and color.

{i love you}

what are you favorite things to photograph? and where do you primarily photograph?

bomobob: didn't you read the previous answer ? :) (wow, bomo's getting a little lippy, huh? my readers love snark, so you'll fit in just fine.) as is probably obvious from my shop, nature and carnivals are dominate themes. (LOVE the carnival photos. amazing.) both are very joyous to me, one naturally, and one completely man-made. while they are opposites in so many ways, they evoke the same childlike amazement, and stimulate my creativity in a similar vein. i also like to play around with more anachronistic techniques, like polarois transfers, cross-processing, and mixed media. most of what i sell is shot on film, for no reason other than the fact that i love the tactile nature of film. (you strike me as a kid who liked play-dough growing up with all that tactile talk.)

{the unbearable elation of summer}

how do you feel about apolo ohno not responding to my letter?

bomobob: apolo and i disagree on several issues, so it doesn't really surprise me. and he keeps missing that spot when he shaves... (omg, the soul patch. i love them. *sigh*)

{birds of a feather}

how stoked are you to be hosting a giveaway on my blog?

bomobob: i'm totally pumped! (i didn't pay him to say that. swearsies.) it was complete serendipity that you contacted me and i found your blog. it's an absolute joy to immerse yourself in, and your readers are a really wonderful, devoted bunch. (he knows how to get in good, doesn't he?)

{october skies}

of all the pieces you've done, what is your personal favorite?

bomobob: boy, that's a tough one. so many resonate with me for so many reasons. what i sell is actually a tiny fraction of what i shoot. i've been lucky enough to travel around the globe several times, and witness cultures and natural phenomenon that will stay with me forever. (you live a life so many only dream of.) so many of those photos are ingrained in my mind. as for pieces that i've created as artworks, "the unbearable elation of summer", "swinging at tibidabo", and "intimacy" are three of my favourites. (he's canadian, hence the spelling. so classy!)

{love is the word}

the golden rules:

- you've gotta be a follower of my blog and check out bomobob's etsy site and lemme know which photo (up to $30) you would choose if you won (mandatory entry)

- follow me on twitter (1 extra entry)

- tweet about this giveaway and leave a link (1 extra entry)

- blog about this giveaway (1 extra entry)

- post this giveaway or my button on your sidebar (1 extra entry)

- become a fan of 'photography by bomobob' on facebook (1 extra entry)

you've got six ways you can enter!

giveaway ends sunday, march 14th at 12:00 p.m. noon CST and a lucky winner will be announced the following day (monday, march 15th)!

good luck!

take me back tuesday: college soccer days

2010-03-09T08:56:00.001-06:00

seeing as though playing soccer is something i've spent a good seventeen years of my life playing, i should probably show y'all some soccer photos. these pics take us back a few years ago while i was playing college soccer. i LOVED it - playing soccer definitely made my college experience completely whole. that and being a soristute. we'll get to those sorority days another tuesday.

i think this picture is from a preseason game my junior year of college. here i am being all fast like dribbling the ball down the field and sweating my little arse off. it was seriously 99 degrees and 100% humidity that day. it was always such a pleasure playing soccer in houston during the summer months and even into august and september.

this is one of my favorite pics that was taken during my senior year soccer season. i distinctly remember the story behind this photo and it really did capture the emotion of the moment. i was a senior, my teammate (gemma) who i'm hugging here, was a freshman who played forward. she had been taking a lot of shots that day but most weren't on goal. our coach was getting pissed and was about to pull her. i pulled gemma aside and told her to calm down, shake the nerves, screw what everyone else was saying, and take a damn shot on goal. (i was a good captain and pep talker like that.) next play, i passed gemma a thru ball up top and prayed to God she'd do something with it or else she wouldn't see the field for awhile. sure enough, she shot a perfect shot up top in the left corner of the goal and put our team on top. this photo was taken just after she scored.

p.s. oh, and something exciting is happening around these parts tomorrow. if you like cool, free shit, i suggest you come back tomorrow. i know you were planning on it anyways, eh?

p.s.s. or is it p.p.s? anyp.s., i had a dream with k.stew and r.pattinson in it last night. r.patz was missing his right hand. it was weird. k. stew was actually really cool in the dream, albeit a bit awkward as she is in real life. i made out with r. patz. he was an amazing kisser, you should know.

in which i am a bad puppy mother and almost committed murder

2010-03-08T08:48:00.000-06:00

i should probably be writing about the oscars last night, but i'm not going to. why? because i've got a much more pressing issue to discuss with you today: this weekend i almost committed murder. with a spatula, to be exact. now that i've got your attention, let me tell you how it all went down...

late morning on saturday, i got up, fed bailey, and put her bed and all of her toys next to her bowl so she could play after she's finished eating. (for those of you who don't know, bailey is my eight month old little fur nugget head. there's a picture of her and her bat ears on my sidebar on the right.) after making her breakfast (beneful healthy puppy growth, no doubt) i went and took a much needed bubble bath. i got out, put on my robe, and got bailey to take her out to go potty.

because most, if not all, of you have no clue where i live, i'll describe it: a condominium/townhouse complex surrounded by lots of trees and nature (i.e. birds, squirrels, possums, raccoons, etc.) but not a lot of grass patches, just lots of leaves. it's kind of irritating. anyways, i have bailey on her leash, i'm in a robe, moccasins, and have a towel on my head and look like an indian sheik woman. in order to do her serious biznass, bailey always has to go really far back into the trees and it drives me crazy because her leash only goes so far and i can only hike so far through the bramble. and i can't let go of her leash or she runs like a convict escaping out of prison. you're beginning to see my grave dilemma.

so there i was in my robe, moccasins, a classy towel on my head, and she's creeping through the forest-like terrain like she's freakin' rambo and goes by a tree and does her nasty stuff. her leash gets caught on something, so i go to untangle it. she moves in the other direction and drags the leash and MY EFFING HAND through the poop. i throw up in my mouth, scream, and let go of the leash. the little convict starts running like she freaking stole something looking back at me with sheer mischief in her eyes. i'm pissed and have shit on my hand. i scream at her to come. she doesn't because she doesn't listen ever. so i scream that i'm going to give her a big spanking when i get my hands on her (because clearly she understands me).

i run to my condo and furiously scrub my hands with bleach, then i run back outside to find the escapee. i spot batwoman in amongst the trees with a dead, decomposing squirrel hanging from her mouth. i flip shit and start screaming at her. and i mean i am SC.REAM.ING. for reals. like vein in my temples bulging, about to have a heart attack screaming.

{you see the resemblance?}

i know the absolute worst thing to do is chase her because she loves to be chased and thinks we're playing a game of tag. plus she has some italian greyhound or whippet in her so she's shitballs fast. BUT i cannot not chase her or else she'll stop long enough to chew on the dead, rotting, nasty ass squirrel. so i do want any normal, sane puppy mother in a robe would do: i scream and i yell and i chase her all through the bushes and trees and sticks and unmanicured nature. my legs still have the cuts and scratches to show for my efforts. i look like a crazy woman. i tried enticing her with treats, her favorite mr. mouse toy, mommy's favorite socks which also happen to be bailey's favorite... this whole scene goes on for nearly 40 minutes. finally i tell her, i give up and she can eat the squirrel and contract HIV or STDs or rabies or tapeworm or whatever the hell it is you get from eating raw, decomposing rodent meat. and i tell her when i get my hands on her i'm either going to kill her or give her away because she's being a bad little nugget head. i leave my front door open. a few minutes later batwoman - WITH THE DEAD EFFING SQUIRREL STILL HANGING FROM HER MOUTH - comes flying inside. OMG. the stench was overwhelming. i'll spare you the details.

let's just say after many spankings with a spatula later and using a whole container of lysol disinfectant wipes and two cans of febreeze air effects spray, i can finally talk about this event, though i still don't find it funny. at all.

p.s. bailey is still alive. i haven't killed her or given her away.

dear apolo ohno (i promise i'm not a creeper)

2010-03-05T10:16:00.004-06:00

dear apolo ohno,

to get my mom off my back, i had to write you this open letter. and i sort of kind of maybe secretly wanted to, too. my mom is convinced we should meet. and maybe date. or at least go on a date. i promise i'm not some creepy stalker fan. (whether my mother is or not is entirely questionable.) i mean i think you're pretty badass skating all wicked fast in your skin tight skating suit that resembles an ensemble of spiderman's, but that's not why i like you. oh, and winning an unprecedented eight gold medals is not why i like you either, though that is insanely badass. really i'm into your soul patch. it's kind of hot. okay, it's really hot, soul patches kind of do it for me, but that's also not why i like you. and i hear you were pretty cool on dancing with the stars, though i have to be honest, i don't really watch that show. sorry. but i do know you won, so you've got to at least give me credit for that. maybe we could go ice skating or something on our first (and potentially last) date. i wear hockey skates, though, not figure skates or speed skates. i hope that's okay. and i'm not wicked fast, just fast enough to skate past all the five year olds clinging to their parents' legs. oh, and i'm really competitive, so we could race if you wanted to, but you'd have to give me at least a two lap head-start. ooooh, or i'm really good at rollerblading, so rollerblading is definitely an option. i might even be a better 'blader than you. we won't know 'til we try.

so here's the deal, i'm going to hit you up on twitter. please don't block me. i promise i'll only do it once ~~a day~~ and then i'll leave you alone. maybe. i just gave my mother my word that i'd do it, and i like to keep my word. i love the woman, but she's relentless. i'm sure you get tweeted, chirped, and peeped at all the time so i'll just be another one to add to the list. quite frankly, i'm still not entirely sure how the hell twitter even works, so there's a very good chance you won't even see anything from me. it'd be cool if you could holla back. otherwise, my readers will think i'm a total loser and no one wants to feel like a loser. thanks, polo. i knew you were nice. or at least i hope you are. (fingers crossed)

hearts and tight spandex suits,
meredith

{they don't call me (flash) for nothing, yo.}

p.s. readers, this is how i hit him up. he's not responding. sads. :(

news you can use #12: newlywed in jailed bliss, the skinny on mickey d's, bill and tiger, and the ga

2010-03-04T10:11:00.000-06:00

newlywed couple spends first night together in jail. a newlywed couple spent their wedding night in separate jail cells after police said the bride tried to run over an old flame of the groom. well, that's one helluva way to never forget your wedding night, eh?? this story took place in none other than the hometown of one of my intahweb soulmates. and you just thought the cape was a boring place!

weight watchers partnering up with the golden arches. say whaaaat?? first off, let it be known that i hate mcdonald's. not just the food itself, but the whole global phenomenon of "mcdonaldization." (don't get me started. i'm a socio-political studies major and this could get ugly.) word on the street is weight watchers is going to be putting its logo on some of mcdonald's menu items in new zealand now that mickey d's is trying to make all of their "nutritional" information public. can it even be called "nutritional" when it's pure crap?? call me a bad future mother, but i will not be taking my kids to mcdonald's. ever. period. i will feed them pizza. and ice cream. and green vegetables. and i will pray to God that they don't inherit their momma's food allergies. otherwise they will only be eating quail and manna from heaven.

bill clinton offering support to le tigre. really? apparently the former prez gives good advice. well, b.clinton should know best. guess tiger and ol' billy will be like two peas in a pod.

{B + T = hearts}

sorry, she's not taking calls she's kinda biz-zay. how can you not love her, people?!

{t-t-t-t-telephone}

(a day late) take me back tuesday: oregon and nike factory billboard

2010-03-03T11:29:00.001-06:00

*don't forget to check me out today at masala chica!*

i know, i know... i'm a day late. sorrs. i know you all are so compassionate and kind that you understand, right?? today's take me back tuesday takes us back to a 4th grade-ish meredith where i was around age 9. my mom, little brother, and i went to oregon during a summer vacation trip. my favorite part about the whole trip wasn't the scenery or the gorgeous mountain air - it was the huge nike store that had everything and anything nike and was like five stories tall. (really it may have just been two stories, 9 year old meredith may have made shit up. whatever the case, the nike place was HUGE.) remember, i was totes into soccer? well, since all my favorite soccer players wore nike, i thought if i did i'd be THE next pele or mia hamm all decked out from head to toe in my "just do it!" gear. (google "pele" and you'll see how awesome he was.) i was kind of a big deal, you see. so here i am on one of our hiking trip all g'ed up from the feet up in my nike gear. i clearly thought i looked good. funny, i don't feel the same way now looking back at these pictures. *sigh*

back on the saddle

2010-03-03T09:03:00.000-06:00

today is my first day back among the living and i kind of feel like i've come back from the dead. seriously. i've missed you all like i've missed consuming bags of marshmallows, and i promise to play catch up reading all that i've missed in your lives the past couple of days.

in the meantime, check me out at my friend, kiran's blog. many of you may know her as masala chica, and let me tell you, she is one hot and spicy indian momma and a dear friend!

even emeril doesn't get salmonella

2010-03-01T17:10:00.000-06:00

any of you near and dear to me wondering why i've been M.I.A.? no? okay, fine. wishful thinking on my part. for those of you not wondering, i'm going to tell you anyways. lucky you. friday night, i hung out with a couple of my best friends from college. my friend, sara, was cooking dinner for a few of us - and being the greatest best friend that i am - i offered to help her with the chicken. chicken is one of the few things i'm good at cooking. i was handling raw chicken meat and thought i washed my hands very thoroughly because i'm so obsessive-compulsive about washing my hands. still, they obviously were not washed thoroughly enough...

i have had salmonella food poisoning and am still getting over it. let's just say i woke up yesterday morning having an asthma attack and had a low-grade fever... shortly there after i began projectile linda blair exorcist style vomiting all.freaking.day. i didn't even know there was that many fluids in the human body. it was gross. i ended up having to go to the ER last night because my fever was really high and would go down and i couldn't keep any liquids down. slowly but surely i'm getting better and i'll be back in the blogosphere in no time!

news you can use #11: the houston rodeo, "dead" people, ironman, don't marry your first cousin, and sad news

2010-02-25T09:49:00.000-06:00

i've got a couple new readers since last week, so let me give you newbies a little introduction of what thursdays look like around these parts. some of you don't have time to or choose not to keep yourself in the know about important events. no need to fear, in each edition of news you can use! i supply you with only the very best weekly news. this news includes - but is not limited to - such important things as: world news, hollywood news, movie news, reality tv news, interesting and weird happenings news, things i happen to find important or freakishly cool news, and my news (aka - what's going on in my life news). i know. all really exciting shit. so sit back, grab a cup of coffee or a glass of champagne and know you are will be more informed after reading this.

the houston livestock show and rodeo. that's right, it's that time of year again in houston - rodeo time! if you don't have a clue what a BIG EFFING DEAL the rodeo is in h-town, do your research. i even gave you the link. it's big. the rodeo cookoff starts TONIGHT and one of the companies i lobby for has a tent, so you know i'll be there in my texas best attire. i may even bust out the fringe shirt. and i may even take pictures. for you. in the meantime, here's something to get you non-texans excited out there. i know my canadian, aussie, and new zealand lovers will love this:

{the goal is to ride for 8 seconds. good luck. i wouldn't get on in the first place. black beauty there obviously isn't having any of it.}

{how can you not love taylor?? we always have a pretty decent concert lineup.}

{you have to ride the ferris wheel at least once.}

{one of the rodeo tents. this is where the crazy shiz goes down.}

'dead' colombian woman moves arm at funeral home. when i was little i was seriously terrified of being buried alive. my grandmother used to tell me horror stories growing up of people being buried alive in the 1800s and early 1900s because they were presumed to be dead. i figured by 2010 we would have gotten this whole "medical death confirmation" thing down. apparently not. you can read about it here.

bill clinton is more like ironman than we thought. per the onion, one of my favorite news sources in the world, former president bill clinton has had a unibeam installed in his chest. i'm not sure what this mean for hilary.

banning marriage against 1st cousins. a maryland lawmaker wants to ban marriage among 1st cousins saying people should stop playing "genetic roulette" with their offspring. my response to this: umm, no shit. there's not already a law in place for this??!? oh, and just an fyi - there are 24 states in the united states that prohibit marriage between first cousins.

in other sad, but it-needed-to-happen news... mine and my boss' admin assistant was let go yesterday. it's a long story and i hope only the best for her, but it was unfortunately one of those things that just really wasn't working out and is definitely for the best for all involved. that being said, it means lots o' extra work for yours truly and my boss until we can get someone. my point in telling you all is because i'll now be even busier than ever, which leaves less time for the important things like commenting on your blogs. i'll do my darndest, though and i promise to cry about how much i miss you.

-- UPDATED -- a letter: i'm on to you, girl scouts of america

2010-02-24T11:30:00.002-06:00

dear girl scouts of america:

don't think i don't know what you're up to. i'm on to you and your plan to make me fat one daisy go-round and trefoil at a time. i've already purchased 32 boxes of cookies from you brown and green vest-wearing people. you heard me: THIRTY TWO. i can prove it by taking a picture of my hall closet for you. that's right, i said my hall closet. right next to my ironing board, an exercise ball i never use, and a couple of "buns of steel" circa 1988 workout videos. do you know why i have your awfully delicious cookies in my hall closet?? because I HAVE NO ROOM IN MY PANTRY. that's why. you people are enablers who are interfering with my daily nutritional needs.

{well isn't this just the most PC photo op ever.}

like i said i have THIRTY TWO boxes. i tell you people this every single day when i go into the grocery store. there's like 53 of you, all no taller than chuy on chelsea lately, grabbing at my waist begging me to "support your troop!" and buy yet another box of regrettable goodness. well, you know what ladies?? i've had it! i've had it with you making me fat just in time for swimsuit season. you get me on the way in AND then again on the way out. i know you remember me scream "NO!!" at you the first time. and you should know that "no" means "no!" wouldn't want to have a lawsuit on your hands like kobe did, now do you?? that would taint the name of girl scouts of america in a hot minute.

so please, for the love of toned thighs, six-pack abs, and my desire to look like alessandra ambrosio, please leave me alone.

i'm almost out of trefoils, p.s. you know where i live and i think you still have my credit card number.

love and girl scouts honor,
meredith

---

sidenote #1: a few of you have asked how i'm able to eat these with my food allergies. i can't eat all of them, (i.e. - the ones that contain milk and nuts), but i can eat the daisy go-rounds (the cinnamon-sugar ones). i hear i'm missing out on all of the other flavors but whatev. also, i'm gotten a lot of the little girl scout devel recipes and "modify" some of them to what i can eat.

sidenote #2: i don't eat all the boxes by myself!!! i sent some boxes overseas to the troops in iraq and afghanistan and some to friends going to grad school in other countries and i keep some in my car to give to homeless people asking for food or money.

take me back tuesday: sibling school days

2010-02-23T08:45:00.001-06:00

ohhh the joys of "chapel" days where we had to wear our ties, blazers, and "nice" shoes. my "nice" shoes were dr. martens. and let me tell you, you were not suuuuuper cool unless you wore dr. martens. why? i don't know. the shoes were an ugly, hot mess and seriously weighed about 3.4 pounds a piece. no joke. i was in 8th grade here (age 14), little brother was 7, and little sister was probably 6 months or so. i had braces, a slicked back bun, a pleated khaki skirt, an oxford blue shirt, tube socks, a cool tribal-looking necklace, and a bow tie which was clearly not tied into a bow. i was the essence of fashionable. if only i were still so cool.

this photo was taken my senior year of high school. my little brother was 10 here, and the little blondie in the front was 3. you can clearly pick out who's italian in this family and who's swiss. we're so multi-cultural. because i went to an all-girls school, i cheered for one of our brother all-boys schools, and my family ~~reluctantly~~ faithfully came to nearly all of the sporting events at which i cheered. a group of my guy friends always painted there bare-chested bodies; they did this even in 30 degree weather. they got my poor, unsuspecting little brother on the let's-paint-ourselves-with-old-paint-that-won't-come-off-with-anything-but-a-brillo-pad bandwagon.

p.s. it's supposed to SNOW today. SNOW. in HOUSTON. snow. cuh-razy.

chirp. tweet. peep.

2010-02-22T10:08:00.000-06:00

that's right, i gave in to peer pressure:

http://twitter.com/flashpasteurize

like mother, like daughter: THE ga edition (aka - why i know for sure that my little nugget and i were meant to be)

2010-02-20T10:37:00.002-06:00

so while i've was out of town for a business trip, bailey stayed with her mimi (aka - my mom, aka - free doggy daycare). since i don't have kids of my own, my little nugget head is my baby; and like any good momma, i worry about her and check on her throughout the day. here's the scene that went down yesterday morning:

me: hey mom, how's my little koo bear doing? is she crying for her mommy to come home??

mimi: no, she loves it at her mimi's. she's watching tiger woods apologize on tv right now.
mimi: but after about 2 minutes, she yawned and decided he bores her. she isn't buying it.
mimi: she much prefers watching lady gaga.

an apology to my readers

2010-02-19T08:59:00.002-06:00

my last post was apparently viewed as insensitive to some. for that, i sincerely apologize. for those of you who actually know me, you know that being insensitive or unkind is never - and will never be - my intention whatsoever. for those of who you don't know me, i consider austin a home away from home in many ways; i have family here, i attended school here for two years, and i have dozens of friends who still reside in austin. this city is my state's capitol, and in my line of work, i travel here very often. i see the devastation this event caused in some people's lives - i was corrected by a reader that there has been one confirmed death and an individual who suffered severe burns. i was unaware of this at the time of the post. my prayers go out to those families and those injured or affected by this event.

in short, i hope all of my readers know my intentions. my intentions were not, are not, and will never be to be insensitive or cruel. yesterday was news you could use day and that event was indeed "news." very sad news. the event was a tragedy, and the saddness it has caused to some families is most certainly not something to be laughed at. in my poor attempt to laugh at myself, i lost quite a few followers as a result. once again, i truly do apologize for anyone who was upset or offended by my last post. as i have stated, that was not at all my intention and i hope you can see that.

news use you can use #10: how i narrowly escaped death

2010-02-18T16:08:00.000-06:00

so as some of you know, i am away at a conference in austin, tx which is why you haven't heard from me today. i know, sad story. what's even sadder is THIS. please tell me you watch the news, read the newspaper, or something. just in case you are too lazy to click on the link which i so un-lazily hyperlinked for you, i will tell you what is particularly newsworthy in my life today - i could have died.

look, i know. you're scared and you're wondering if i'm okay. cathy (aka - antsy pants) was worried as shit about me and sent me an email to confirm whether i was alive or dead. true friend, that cath is. and the answer to that question is yes, i am okay. barely, though.

here's the deets on what went down: a software engineering guy peeved at the IRS (who isn't peeved at the IRS?) decided he was so mad he'd set fire to his own house then fly his plane into an office building that houses federal tax employees. oh, and i should mention this happened in AUSTIN, TX this morning. the same AUSTIN, TX i'm in RIGHT NOW. now you're scared, right? to scare you even more and to make you thankful that i'm alive, here are some pics documenting my whole near death experience.*

* just for good measure and to make sure i don't sound insensitive or seem like i'm making light of this awful event, no one died in this event. well, the man who flew the plane into the building who also burnt down his house died, but (to my knowledge, which can be sketchy sometimes) there were injuries, but no deaths, thank goodness.

wordless wednesday: haley gaga + hippie gaga = BFF

2010-02-17T11:44:00.000-06:00

haley gaga + hippie gaga = BFF